"Practice safe eating — always use condiments."
The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources. Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.
"I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded: dead." — Woody Allen.
"Hunger is the best sauce."
"What happens to the holes when all the cheese has been eaten ?"
"Cheese /n/ Bovine mammary fluid curdled by stomach enzymes and injected with mold."
"It's so beautifully arranged on the plate — you know someone's fingers have been all over it." — Julia Childs on nouvelle cuisine.
"A rich and varied menu is for people who have no work to do." — Roald Amundsen (1872—1928).
"An idealist is one who, on noticing that a rose smells better than a cabbage, concludes that it will also make better soup." — H.L. Mencken.
"So if animals aren't our friends, then what are they ? The answer can be summed up between two buns." — Stephen Colbert.
I love cats... they taste just like chicken." — Bumper sticker.
"Sigh. Got to go buy some food. A mouse hung itself in my fridge and left a note 'can't live like this'." — Ustas.
"Ingredients as fresh as they were 27 years ago." — Slogan of the Biscuitville restaurant.
"If life gives you a lemon, make lemonade. However — if life gives you a pickle, you might as well give up, because pickle-ade is disgusting." — Clifton J. Gray.
"Don't confuse: Jell-O with whipped cream for dessert and J-Lo with whipped cream for dessert."
"What's worse than finding a worm in an apple ? Finding half a worm..."
"It's weird that we cook bacon and we bake cookies."
"It's important to watch what you eat. Otherwise, how are you going to get it into your mouth ?" — Matt Diamond.
"Can it be a mistake that STRESSED is DESSERTS spelled backwards ??"
"The devil came to me last night and asked what I wanted in exchange for my soul. I still can't believe I said pizza. Friggin' cravings." — Marc Ostroff.
"I don't LIKE food, I LOVE it. If I don't LOVE it, I don't SWALLOW." — Food critic Anton Ego in the movie Ratatouille.
"I'd think that anyone who truly wanted to end world hunger would donate his or her body to culinary science." — Kevin Wickart.
"My cousin is the epitome of stupidity. I told her to clean the turkey for some dumb party we are having. And she puts it in the oven right and sets it to 'clean' and I was like 'y u do dat ?'. 'oh the oven has a clean setting'. So we all ate TV dinners that night." — TheWickerMan.
"I think they should put a warning label on strawberries: 'Caution: tastes nothing like a strawberry milkshake'." — Ryan Kaplan.
"Green clovers. Blue diamonds. Orange Stars. Pink hearts. Purple horseshoes. Man, I never know if I'm looking at a bowl of cereal or having another acid flashback." — Dave Henry.
"I need all 4 food groups now to get my mind off of things: pussy, beer, weed, cake."
"And, of course, the funniest food of all: 'Kumquats'." — George Carlin.
"The first time you see something that you have never seen before, you almost always know right away if you should eat it or run away from it." — Scott Adams.
"Give a man food, and he can eat for a day. Give a man a job, and he can only eat for 30 minutes on break." — Lev L. Spiro
"I ran out of Tupperware one day, so I took my cottage cheese to work tied up in a condom. I'm not allowed to use the employee refrigerator anymore." — Rolf Lundgren.
"Remember, fellas, nothing say: 'I want to get kicked in the balls' like a box of fat-free chocolates." — Don Swain
"Cauliflower is nothing but cabbage with a college education." — Mark Twain.
"He was a bold man that first ate an oyster." — Jonathan Swift (1667—1745), Irish-born Anglican priest and writer.
"Lutefisk ? Perhaps this is why the Vikings were so feared, if they were man enough to consume rotten fish, or fish cured with lye or urine, well... you think they'd be afraid of your silly little swords and arrows ?" — Ill Lich.
"The biggest challenge when eating surströmming is to vomit only after the first bite, as opposed to before." — Wolfgang Fassbender, food critic.
Gourmet /n./ Anyone whom, when you fail to finish something strange or revolting, remarks that it's an acquired taste and that you're leaving the best part."
"Haggis /n./ Haggis is a kind of stuff black pudding eaten by the Scots and considered by them to be not only a delicacy but fit for human consumption. The minced heart, liver and lungs of a sheep, calf or other animal's inner organs are mixed with oatmeal, sealed and boiled in maw in the sheep's intestinal stomach-bag and... Excuse me a minute..."
"Farts are the ghosts of food we ate."
"Life is half delicious yogurt, half crap, and your job is to keep the plastic spoon in the yogurt." — Scott Adams.
"Arsenic is edible. Only once."
"Dinner at the Huntercombes' possessed only two dramatic features — the wine was a farce and the food a tragedy." — Anthony Powell (1905- ), British novelist.
"I think I could eat one of Bellamy's veal pies." — William Pitt the Younger (1759—1806), British statesman, last words.
"An army marches on its stomach." — Napoleon.
"Kissing don't last: cookery do !" — George Meredith (1828—1909), British novelist.
"There's nothing like good food, good wine, and a bad girl."
"Note to self: Alcohol based marinades and gas ovens SHOULD NOT BE COMBINED."
"I put a big lump of meat int he oven and roasted it and used the smoke detector as a timer." — trib.
"I mean, seriously, we are a culture that can stand in front of a microwave with a burrito in it and scream 'FASTER!'" — Ross Brown.
"Man is the only animal that can remain on friendly terms with the victims he intends to eat until he eats them." — Samuel Butler (1835—1902).
"My wife and I tried to breakfast together, but we had to stop or our marriage would have been wrecked." — Winston Churchill.
"I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals." — Winston Churchill.
"What do Michael Jackson and a Big Mac have in common ? Both involve 30-year-old meat in between two nine-year-old buns." — n00dle.
"Ham and eggs: a day's work for a hen; a lifetime commitment for a pig."
"With humans it's abortion, but with chickens it's an omelet."
"When I go to a restaurant, I always ask for a chicken and an egg, to see which comes first."
"The remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served us nothing but leftovers. The original meal has never been found." — Calvin Trillin.
"Last week I ate a 5th Avenue bar on 5th Avenue while little kids eating Snickers bars snickered at me. It was probably that whole 'irony' thing." — John Gephart.
"Do you know what breakfast cereal is made of ? It's made of all those little curly wooden shavings you find in pencil sharpeners !" — Roald Dahl (1916-90), Norwegian writer.
"Some breakfast food manufacturer hit upon the simple notion of emptying out the leavings of carthorse nose bags, adding a few other things like unconsumed portions of chicken layer's mash, and the sweepings of racing stables, packing the mixture in little bags and selling them in health food shops." — Frank Muir (1920- ), British writer and broadcaster.
"A converted cannibal is one who, on Friday, eats only fishermen." — Emily Lotney.
"Eat the rich — the poor are tough and stringy."
"Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child — if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender." — W. C. Fields.
"By the time they had diminished from 50 to 8, the other dwarves began to suspect 'Hungry'..." — Gary Larson, The Far Side.
"If Will E. Coyote had enough money for all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner ?"
"If you waste your time cooking, you'll miss the next meal."
"Butter vs. Margarine ? I trust cows over scientists."
"The way to a man's heart is through his stomach." — Fanny Fern (1811-72), US writer.
"Either the chocolate in my pocket has melted, or this is something altogether more sinister." — Rjx.
"Just Give Me Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt." — Seen on a girl's T-shirt.
"Guillaume, dammi del cioccolato, se no non riesco a pensare." — Jenny in distress...
"If it screams, it's not food... yet."
"I eat bacon for breakfast, bacon for lunch and I drink my dinner" — From the movie Grumpy Old Men.
"Be involved in things but don't commit. It's like eggs and bacon. The chicken was involved, but the pig was committed."
"A Texas woman, Waynetta Nolan, was sentenced to 10 years in jail for running over the manager of a McDonald's with her car because she wanted mayonnaise on her cheeseburger."
"You will feel hungry again in another hour." — Fortune cookie message.
"Save a mouse, eat a pussy." — Kevin Peter Kelly.
"An average of two rodent hairs per one hundred grams of peanut butter is allowed." — No. 20. FDA Government guidelines.
"The best number for a dinner party is two — myself and a dam' good head waiter." — Nubar Gulbenkian (1896—1972), Turkish oil magnate.
"It is as bad as bad can be: it is ill-fed, ill-killed, ill-kept, and ill-drest." — Samuel Johnson (1709-84), British lexicographer. About the roast mutton at an inn.
"Give me liberty or... OOOooo... A jelly donut !" — Homer Simpson.
"Oh my God, Space Aliens !! Don't eat me, I have a wife and kids ! Eat them !" — Homer Simpson.
"If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, talks like a duck, it probably needs a little more time in the microwave." — Lori Dowdy.
"Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty." — Matthew J. Siske.
"You can't get ice cream out of shit ... I don't care how much you stir." — Unknown.
"Sesame seeds and Poppy seeds are the only officially acceptable 'spots' that should be seen on the surface of any loaf of bread. Fuzzy and hairy looking white or green growth areas are a good indication that your bread has turned into a pharmaceutical laboratory experiment."
"Her eyes were cold and harsh, which made them tough to chew." — Danno.
"People are more opposed to fur than leather because rich ladies are easier to harass than bikers." — Bumper sticker.
"Sacred cows make the best burgers."
"What's the greatest worldwide use of cowhide ? To hold cows together."
"Did you know that a cow was MURDERED to make that jacket ?"
"Yes. I didn't think there were any witnesses, so I guess I'll have to kill you too." — Jake Johansen.
"Save the whales — collect the entire set." — Bumper sticker.
"Quand l'appétit va, tout va." — Obélix.
"Je ne suis pas gros... Tout juste un peu bas de poitrine." — Obélix.
"Qui ne pète ni ne rote est voué à l'explosion !" — Lao Tzeu.
"On doit manger pour vivre, et non vivre pour manger." — Moliere (1622—1673)
"Se vuoi dimagrire, caca."
"Great restaurants are, of course, nothing but mouth-brothels. There is no point in going to them if one intends to keep one's belt buckled." — Frederic Raphael (1931- ), British author.
"The Cheesecake Factory is a great business model, but if you take your wife there for your 25th wedding anniversary, you might not reach your 26th." — Scott Adams.
"A gourmet restaurant in Cincinnati is one where you leave the tray on the table after you eat."
"KFC ! The only thing missing is U !"
"A Microsoft Certified Systems Engineer is to computing what a McDonalds Certified Food Specialist is to fine cuisine."
"I found my 1st grey pubic hair the other day :( It was in a BigMac..." — Nor.
"Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant ? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God... I could be eating a slow learner." — Lynda Montgomery.
"Have you heard about the new restaurant on the moon ? Great food, but no atmosphere!"
"The quality of restaurant food is inversely proportional to the size of the peppermill." — Klotz's Law.
"I don't think America will have really made it until we have our own salad dressing. Until then we're stuck behind the French, Italians, Russians and Caesarians." — Pat McNelis.
"Thanksgiving is America's national chow-down feast, the one occasion each year when gluttony becomes a patriotic duty (in France, by contrast, there are three such days: Hier, Aujourd'hui and Demain)." — Michael Dresser.
"How can you expect to govern a country that has two hundred and forty-six kinds of cheese ?" — Charles de Gaulle.
"Bouillabaisse is only good because cooked by the French, who, if they cared to try, could produce an excellent and nutritious substitute out of cigar stumps and empty matchboxes." — Norman Douglas (1868—1952), British novelist.
"First need in the reform of hospital management ? That's easy ! The death of all dietitians, and the resurrection of a French chef." — Martin H. Fischer (1879—1962).
"I hate french food." — J.R.R. Tolkien (1892—1973).
"I'll bet what motivated the British to colonize so much of the world is that they were just looking for a decent meal." — Martha Harrison.
"To eat well in England you should have breakfast three times a day." — W. Somerset Maugham (1874—1965), British novelist.
"I am in England and the food here is not to be tasted as much as just swallowed without grimacing." — Kristin Gilbert.
"Lutefisk was invented by the Vikings as an easier way of instilling fear in their enemies than raiding and pillaging."
"Sushi /n./ Known to the rest of the world as 'Bait'."
"I never eat sushi. I have trouble eating things that are merely unconscious." — George Carlin.
"Japanese say Americans are lazy. HA!! At least we cook our fish !"
"Japanese snacks suck. They aren't treats, if you gave them to small children in north america they'd start to cry." — PooIsYummy.
"Maybe following advice received on IRC wasn't such a good idea after I ordered 'bukakke' for dessert in the Japanese restaurant."
"When I'm at a Chinese restaurant having a hard time with chopsticks, I always hope that there's a Chinese kid at an American restaurant somewhere who's struggling mightily with a fork." — Rick Budinich.
"If it has four legs and it's not a table, eat it." — Cantonese saying.
"If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it." — The Duke of Edinburgh.
"You don't sew with a fork, so I see no reason to eat with knitting needles." — Miss Piggy, on eating Chinese Food.
"Shrimp with assroted vegetables." — Typo on a Chinese restaurant menu.
"A restaurant in northeastern China that advertised illegal tiger meat dishes was found instead to be selling donkey flesh marinated in tiger urine."
"I was once watching this documentary on Discovery channel. They had this Asian family cooking scorpions. The reporter asked one of the family members: 'what does it taste like ?' The family member responded: 'tastes like penguin'." — Octane.
"The trouble with eating Italian food is that five or six days later you're hungry again." — George Miller.
"I can't believe you can get banned from a bakery for mispronouncing 'focaccia' !" — Hikeeba.
"If you ate pasta and antipasti, would you still be hungry ?"
"You're thinking I'm one of those wise-ass California vegetarians who is going to tell you that eating a few strips of bacon is bad for your health. I'm not. I say its a free country and you should be able to kill yourself at any rate you choose, as long as your cold dead body is not blocking my driveway." — Scott Adams.
"Being a Vegan is nice and sweet, but if it came down to starvation for you and your child vs eating Bambi, Bambi'd be on a stick." — SatanicPuppy.
"Vegans think butchers are gross. But I reckon people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer."
"The idea of vegetarianism as some sort of moral crusade requires a society rich enough to support such a vanity." — Jedidiah.
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"That moment when your steak is on the grill and you can already feel your mouth watering... Do you vegans feel the same about mowing the lawn ?"
"I love animals... they're delicious." — Bumper sticker.
"I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy." — Stephen Wright.
"Vegetarians Taste Better." — Bumper sticker.
"There's been a mistake. You've accidentally given me the food that my food eats." — Ron Swanson.
"They must have some sort of rule that they tell you they are vegetarian like 5 times a day. Must be in the handbook 'when you have the desire to eat meat, tell someone you're a vegetarian'." — homerj.
"Graaaaaaaiiiiinnssss......" — veganzombie.
"PETA is awesome, hours of entertainment at the cost of one dead rabbit." — DoctorRiff.
"Vegetarian /n/: indian word for 'bad hunter'."
"If animals were not meant to be eaten, why are they made of meat ?" — Bumper sticker.
"There's always a place for God's creatures... right next to the potatoes and gravy !"
"If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat ?"
"Vegans are the most environmentally unsound people. They totally take advantage of 'survival of the fittest'. The plants can't move. They can." — MGS05.
"When people who eat natural foods die of food poisoning, do they die of natural causes ?"
"Do vegetarians hate plants ?"
"Would vegetarians eat carrots if they had faces ?"
"The thought of two thousand people crunching celery at the same time horrified me." — George Bernard Shaw (1856—1950), Irish dramatist and critic. Explaining why he had turned down an invitation to a vegetarian gala dinner.
"A meal without flesh is like feeding on grass." — Proverb.
"I think vegetarians — for a lot of them — it's about a lack of commitment to life and relationships. There are some who just like the fact that they're controlling something in their life." — Kirsten Dunst.
"P.E.T.A.: People Eating Tasty Animals."
"Food is an important part of a balanced diet." — Fran Lebowitz (1950- ), US writer.
"Attention to health is life greatest hindrance." — Plato (427-347 B.C.)
"The right diet directs sexual energy into the parts that matter." — Barbara Cartland (1902- ), British romantic novelist.
"Lose weight quickly by eating raw pork or rancid tuna. I found that the subsequent food poisoning/diarrhea enabled me to lose 6 kg in only 2 days."
"If only loosing weight was as easy as losing my cell phone, my keys, my temper or even my mind... I;d be so skinny."
"The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it."
"I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people." — Ed Bluestone.
"My advice if you insist on slimming: Eat as much as you like — just don't swallow it." — Harry Secombe (1921- ), welsh singer, actor, and comedian.
"They say you should treat your body like a temple. I treat mine like a fsat-moving dumpster." — The Oatmeal.
"I just grabbed a couple pretzels and sat down at the computer... I bit in to one and realized that not only was it stale, but I wasn't really all that hungry to begin with. But I was too lazy to get up and toss them in the trash, so I ate them anyway... I wonder just how many of the Seven Deadly Sins that qualifies me for..." — _dk-.
"I tried being anorexic for four hours and then I was like, I need some bagels." — Kat Dennings.
"The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat are really good friends."
"Goldfish... what stupid animals. Even Wayne Cody stops eating before he bursts."
"The meal is not over when I'm full. The meal is over when I hate myself."" — Louis C.K.
"Life is like a box of chocolates: it doesn't last as long for fat people."
"I am in shape. Round is a shape."
"I just ate 4 boxes of thin mints. I do not feel thin at all."
"Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake."
"A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand."
"Let's see, which would be easier: Losing 40 pounds by strict dieting and exercise or gaining 60 pounds to qualify for a gastric bypass ?" — Nancy Casurella.
"I walk into school today and the girl that sits beside me tells me that she lost 10 pounds from laughing at me." — BS.
"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst, for they are sticking to their diets."
"Dieters live life in the fasting lane."
"I look to nature to find which diets actually work. I suggest the squirrel diet, because you almost never see a fat squirrel. It's easy: Just lose 99 percent of the food you hid around the house." — Carolyn Mansager.
"As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal and no meal." — Mr. T.
"I think Dr. Atkins and all those other charlatans are missing the boat. The best method for losing weight can be summed up in two words: Shit more!" — Brad Simanek.
"You know it's been a rough day for your girlfriend when she takes the ice cream out of the freezer, then removes the lid and throws it directly in the garbage."
"Never eat more than you can lift." — Miss Piggy.
"The only two things I don't eat for breakfast are lunch and dinner."
"I'm on a seafood diet. When I see food, I eat it."
"I've never seen a bulimic fat girl, so apparently dieting works."
"Why do people go to Burger King and order a double Whopper with a large French fry and insist on getting a diet Coke ?"
"If you want to look young and thin, hang around old fat people." — Jim Eason.
"If I had breasts, I'd no doubt just sit around all day and play with them. Lucky for me, my new pizza and doughnut diet has me halfway there!" — Tim H. Richweis.
"One of life's mysteries is how a 1kg box of candy can make a woman gain 2kg."
"Food has replaced sex in my life; now, I can't even get into my own pants !"
"They say the further along you get in life, the more you focus on matters of the self. I must agree: In high school, my big dream was to get in the pants of each and every cheerleader — now my big dream is to get back in the pants I wore in high school." — Carl Knorr.
"The dinosaurs's eloquent lesson is that if some bigness is good, an overabundance of bigness is not necessarily better." — Eric Johnston.
"I use the word 'fat'. I use that word because that's what people are: they're fat. They're not bulky; they're not large, chunky, hefty or plump. And they're not big-boned. Dinosaurs were big-boned. These people are not overweight: this term somehow implies there is some correct weight... There is no correct weight. Heavy is also a misleading term. An aircraft carrier is heavy; it's not fat. Only people are fat, and that's what fat people are! They're fat !" — George Carlin.
"I'm too fat to do illegal stuff, I can't run away." — Lord-Data.
"It looks like you enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge."
"A fat paunch never bred a subtle mind." — Anonymous.
"If your girlfriend tells you she feels fat and hugs you for moral support, do not start jiggling her butt in an attempt to find the natural frequency of fat; and if she asks, DO NOT tell her what you are doing." — RonilWazlib.
"Remember when American moms used to tell their kids to finish dinner because children were starving in Africa ? Well, thanks a lot, Mom — Africans are still starving and American kids are obese." — Larry Baum.
"'But obesity runs in my family...' No, the problem is that nobody runs in your family !"
"Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes."
"I love you like a fat kid loves cake !" — Scott Adams.
"A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much." — Frank Varano.
"Okay, this is the only right answer to the question 'Do You Think I'm Fat?': 'No, because if you were fat I'd leave you'." — Paranoua.
"All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening." — Alexander Woollcott.
"So my sister asks me if this shirt makes her look fat, and I was like: 'no the fat underneath does'." — genjer.
"What would the world be like without men ? A lot of fat, happy women."
"I think my wife may be getting somewhat overweight: last night when she sat on my face, I couldn't hear the stereo."
"Outside every fat man there is an even fatter man trying to close in." — Kingsley Amis (1922- ), British novelist.
"I had to write an essay about handicapped parking spots. I chose to write about how fat people are not handicapped. And how they should get special parking spots at the end of the lot." — dez.
"My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four. Unless there are three other people." — Orson Welles.
"The devil has put a penalty on all things we enjoy in life. Either we suffer in health or we suffer in soul or we get fat." — Albert Einstein.
"Great eaters and great sleepers are incapable of doing anything great." — Henry IV of France (1553—1610)
"If I liked food and disliked exercise as much as a 400 pound guy, I'd be a 400 pound guy." — Scott Adams.
"Everything in space is weightless, but would a really fat astronaut weigh just a little bit ?"
"Just the other day in the Underground I enjoyed the pleasure of offering my seat to three ladies." — G. K. Chesterton (1874—1936), British writer. Suggesting that fatness has its consolations.
"She fitted into my biggest armchair as if it had been built round her by someone who knew they were wearing armchairs tight about the hips that season." — P. G. Wodehouse (1881—1975), British humorous novelist.
"The Right Hon. was a tubby little chap who looked as if he had been poured into his clothes and had forgotten to say 'When!'" — P. G. Wodehouse (1881—1975), British humorous novelist.
"The journey of a thousand pounds begins with a single burger." — Chris O'Brien.
"Who's your fat friend ?" — 'Beau' Brummel (1778—1840), British dandy. Referring to George, Prince of Wales.
Since they were in text format or MS Access format I converted them to html and compiled them into one big Windows Help file (.chm, which you can also read under linux with xchm). It's freeware and I have the author's permission, so download it here.
Warning: it's Windows only, French only and 6.6 Mb (10000 recipes).
Comme elles étaient seulement en mode texte ou MS Access, je les ai converties en html puis compilées en un gros fichier d'aide Windows (.chm). C'est freeware et j'ai l'autorisation de l'auteur, alors téléchargez gaiement.
Attention: seulement pour Windows, seulement en français et 6.6 Mégas (10000 recettes).