"The gods too are fond of a joke." — Aristotle (384-322 B.C.).
The following are humorous (and sometimes serious too) quotes gathered from the Web, Usenet's personal .sig and other sources. Since it's all a big rip-off, I am assuming no copyright whatsoever. I don't even guarantee that they are accurate. Now that you've been warned, enjoy.
"Religion is a cow. It gives milk, but it also kicks." — Buddha.
"Religion is an organization bent on the dissemination of faith, over and above the meaning or truth of the object of that faith."
"Beware of those who try to sell you simple answers to complex questions." — Scott Adams.
"The more I study religions the more I am convinced that man never worshiped anything but himself." — Sir Richard Burton.
"Tolerance is to let others live like they want. To appease religious fundamentalists is not tolerance, but submission."
"Love me, and obey me, or I will torture you forever." — The essence of the Fundamentalist Doctrine.
"We preach peace, forgiveness, tolerance and love. We practice vengeance, persecution, hatred and domination. My personal beliefs are supported and validated by my convictions. Oh, and never forget .... my religion is truth, yours is a lie." — Religion, paraphrased (unknown).
"If you're following the news, you know that the major religions differ in their interpretation of the holy books. For example, one way to interpret God's will is that you should love your neighbor. An alternate reading of the holy books might lead you to rig a donkey cart with small mortar rockets and aim it at a hotel full of infidels. In summary, po-tay-to, poh-tah-to. Religions are very flexible." — From Scott Adams' Holiday Thoughts, 2003.
"If religious people could be reasoned with there would be no religious people." — Dr House.
"It's hard to be religious when certain people are never incinerated by bolts of lightning." — Bill Waterson, Calvin & Hobbes.
"Religion: treat it like your penis. Don't show it off in public and don't shove it down your children's throat."
"It's not prejudice if you call it religion."
"Q: What is the difference between a penis and the bible?
A: Nothing, they both get shoved down your throat by catholic priests."
"A rabbi, a lawyer, and a priest are on the Titanic. They rush to the lifeboat and as they get in, the rabbi says: 'What about the children?' The lawyer says: 'Screw the children!' The preist says: 'Do you think we have time?'"
"If your religion is worth killing for, please start with yourself."
"A cult is a religion with no political power." — Tom Wolfe.
"A religion is a cult that succeeded."
"Religion is the organised, dogmatic corruption of spirituality."
"The difference between a cult and a religion is that the latter is old. Like, stepping into a pile of dogshit makes you curse, but stepping into a pile of dinosaur shit makes you famous. Despite both being crap." — Opportunist.
"Cult: a small unpopular religion.
Religion: a large popular cult."
"A mythology is someone else's religion, different enough from your own for its absurdity to be obvious."
"As a true believer, I would gladly give your life for my religion."
"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich." — Napoleon.
"When all is said and done, I'd like to think that the Phelps clan would only appear in the blooper section of the 'History of religion' boxset." — G.G.R.W.
"Religion is like chemotherapy, it may solve one problem, but it can cause a million more." — John Bledsoe.
"Suggesting I hate people with religion because I hate religion is like suggesting I hate people with cancer because I hate cancer." — Rick Gervais.
"Well, if it can be destroyed by the truth then it deserves to be destroyed by the truth."
"The zealot doesn't mind being refuted, he can invent new justifications. What is fatal to the zealot ? Not being taken seriously."
"Rational arguments don't usually work on religious people. Otherwise there'd be no religious people."
"The people who are regarded as moral luminaries are those who forego ordinary pleasures themselves and find compensation in interfering with the pleasures of others." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970), British philosopher.
"Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence, it will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970), British philosopher.
"Science knows it doesn't know everything; otherwise it'd stop. But just because science doesn't know everything doesn't mean you can fill the gaps with whatever fairy tale most appeals to you." — Dara Ó Briain.
"Throughout history, every mystery turned out to be... not magic." — Tim Minchin.
"Ignorance is the Mother of Devotion." — Robert Burton.
"The command, 'Be fruitful and multiply', was promulgated, according to our authorities, when the population of the world consisted of two persons." — Dean William R. Inge.
"In ancient times cats were worshipped as gods; they have not forgotten this." — Terry Pratchett.
"I regard belief as a form of brain damage." — Robert Anton Wilson.
"Religious belief is a mental illness. A contagious one."
"Most of the religions have exhibited a perverse talent for taking the wrong side on the most important concepts in the material universe, from the structure of the solar system to the origin of man."
"I find the whole business of religion profoundly interesting. But it does mystify me that otherwise intelligent people take it seriously." — Douglas Adams.
"There are ten church members by inheritance for every one by conviction."
"Fundamentalism means never having to say 'I'm wrong'."
"Religion is the anthropomorphization of reality, that behind it all there's an invisible man pulling invisible strings."
"I'd be more willing to accept religion, even though I don't believe in it, if I thought it made people nicer to each other, but I don't think it does." — Andy Rooney.
"Those who can make you believe absurdities can make you commit atrocities." — Voltaire.
"The mind of the fundamentalist is like the pupil of the eye: the more light you pour on it, the more it will contract."
"Wouldn't you say suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem ? I'm a Buddhist, I'd say suicide is a temporary solution to a permanent problem."
"Rumour has it that only 3 commandments were offered initially. When it was determined that it was for free, well..."
"Never trust a man who lets his god tell him how to fuck."
"A fanatic is one who can't change his mind and won't change the subject." — Winston Churchill.
"A fanatic is a man who does what he thinks the Lord would do if He knew the facts of the case." — Finley Peter Dunne (1867—1936).
"A deep unwavering belief is a sure sign you're missing something..."
"Isn't it a remarkable coincidence almost everyone has the same religion as their parents ? And it always just happens to be the right religion. Religions run in families. If we'd been brought up in ancient Greece we would all be worshiping Zeus and Apollo. If we had been born Vikings we would be worshiping Wotan and Thor. How does this come about ? Through childhood indoctrination." — Richard Dawkins.
"O Lord, help me to be pure, but not yet." — St. Augustine (354-430 A.D.).
"Historians have sometimes wondered, only half in jest, whether the Khazar tendency to occasionally execute their rulers on religious grounds led those rulers to seek out other religions." — From Wikipedia's page on Khazar, justifying their conversion from Tengriism to Judaism.
"I saw the best book title today: 'The complete idiots guide to religion'." — neotek.
"I was a little disappointed yesterday. Got 'Religion for Dummies' from the library. You know how the '...For Dummies' books usually have the bomb icon for 'Don't do this!' ? This one didn't." — Pep Boy Manny02.
"Considering all the evil that exists in the world, the fact that all of religion's condemnation is focused on expressing disapproval of two people loving each other proves just how evil religion is." — Jan deBoer.
"They say there's enough religion in the world to make men hate one another, but not enough to make them love." — Louis Cypher.
"Religion /n./ A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the Nature of the Unknowable." — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911.
"Religions are not revealed: they are evolved. If a religion were revealed by God, that religion would be perfect in whole and in part, and would be as perfect at the first moment of its revelation as after ten thousand years of practice. There has never been a religion which fulfills those conditions." — Robert Blatchford, "God and My Neighbor," 1903.
"Where it is a duty to worship the sun it is pretty sure to be a crime to examine the laws of heat." — Christopher Morley.
"Randomness is scary. I think that's why we are prone to belief in God. Theism is the ultimate conspiracy theory. It's more comforting to think that an invisible man in the sky is watching over everything and has some kind of plan, even if that plan equals a sucky life for you here and now. To think we are all at the mercy of random forces is scary indeed."
"The whole religious complexion of the modern world is due to the absence from Jerusalem of a lunatic asylum." — Havelock Ellis.
"In general, higher rates of belief in and worship of a creator correlate with higher rates of homicide, juvenile and early adult mortality, STD infection rates, teen pregnancy and abortion in the prosperous democracies." — From 'Cross-National Correlations of Quantifiable Societal Health with Popular Religiosity and Secularism in the Prosperous Democracies' a study published in the (peer-reviewed) Journal of Society and Religion, 2008.
"Strangely, God is very much pro-abortion. Just read Numbers 5:11-31."
"When you believe in an imaginary figure that only you can see or hear, it's called a psychological problem. If you believe in an imaginary figure that even you can't see or hear, it's a religion."
"Why should I hate someone on the basis of their religion, when I can take a little time to get to know them and hate them for a myriad of real reasons." — Dennis Miller.
"If your religion requires you to hate someone, you need a new religion."
"History has the relation to truth that theology has to religion — i.e., none to speak of." — Lazarus Long.
"A celibate clergy is an especially good idea as it eliminates any genetic tendencies towards fanaticism." — Carl Sagan.
"Televangelists: The Pro Wrestlers of religion." — Stephen Wright.
"You have not converted a man because you have silenced him." — John, Lord Morley.
"And on the 8th day God created a bunch of other religions. Just to fuck with mankind."
"Nuke an unborn gay whale for Jesus." — Bumper sticker.
"Claiming that someone's marriage is against your religion is like being angry at someone for eating a donut because you're on a diet." — Seth Rogen.
"Convicts register their religious affiliation when they're processed into prison. And about 99.5% of the huge U.S.A. prison population consists of inmates who identified themselves as members of religious denominations." — Gene M. Kasmar.
"All national institutions of churches, whether Jewish, Christian, or Turkish, appear to me no other than human inventions set up to terrify and enslave mankind, and monopolize power and profit." — Thomas Paine (1737-1809).
"Any system of religion that has anything in it that shocks the mind of a child, cannot be a true system." — Thomas Paine (1737-1809), american writer and activist.
"It seems odd that those who scoff at sun worshipers are apt to worship a vacuum."
"The best any human can do is to pick a delusion that helps him get through the day. This is why people of different religions can generally live in peace. At some level, we all suspect that other people don't believe their own religion any more than we believe ours." — Scott Adams.
"Religious wars are basically people killing each other over who has the better imaginary friend."
"Religion is a major weapon in the war against reality."
"How can you have order in a state without religion? For, when one man is dying of hunger near another who is ill of surfeit, he cannot resign himself to this difference unless there is an authority which declares 'God wills it thus.' Religion is excellent stuff for keeping common people quiet." — Napoleon Bonaparte.
"Religion is what keeps the poor from murdering the rich." — Napoleon Bonaparte.
"If I had to choose a religion, the sun as the universal giver of life would be my god." — Napoleon Bonaparte.
"Faith is a euphemism for prejudice and religion is a euphemism for superstition." — Paul Keller, American rationalist.
"Faith is believing what you know ain't so." — Mark Twain.
"Faith: not *wanting* to know what is true." — Friedrich Nietzsche.
"Faith is to the human what sand is to the ostrich."
"If education can destroy your faith, it's not God you're praying to, it's ignorance."
"Science and religion are in full accord but science and faith are in complete discord."
"Science and religion are not incompatible, but science and faith are."
"Religions fulfill deep-seated psychological needs for people, and if you don't get it from a specific religious doctrine, you'll get it from the kind of films I like to make. A film like The Terminator is consciously meant to give a sense of empowerment to the individual." — James Cameron, American Film, July 1991.
"Dianetics is a milestone for man comparable to his discovery of fire and superior to his invention of the wheel and the arch." — L. Ron Hubbard.
"When a man has a problem very thoroughly and can't solve it, he really has too few problems. He needs more." — L. Ron Hubbard.
"Whenever a poet or preacher, chief or wizard spouts gibberish, the human race spends centuries deciphering the message." — Umberto Eco.
"The way to see by faith is to shut the eye of reason." — Ben Franklin, Poor Richard's Almanack, 1758.
"The first clergyman was the first rascal who met the first fool." — Voltaire.
"As long as people believe in absurdities they will continue to commit atrocities." — Voltaire.
"Fantastic doctrines (like Christianity or Islam or Marxism) require unanimity of belief. One dissenter casts doubt on the creed of millions. Thus the fear and the hate; thus the torture chamber, the iron stake, the gallows, the labor camp, the psychiatric ward." — Edward Abbey.
"In religion and politics, people's beliefs and convictions are in almost every case gotten at second-hand, and without examination." — Mark Twain.
"The beauty of religious mania is that it has the power to explain everything. Once God (or Satan) is accepted as the first cause of everything which happens in the mortal world, nothing is left to chance... logic can be happily tossed out the window." — Stephen King.
"Religion is a culture of faith; science is a culture of doubt." — Richard P. Feynman (1918-88), physicist.
"Doubt is not a pleasant condition, but certainty is absurd." — Voltaire.
"Faith is often the boast of the man who is too lazy to investigate." — F.M. Knowles.
?"Never are the claims of religion more offensive and illogical than at a time like this." — About the 2011 Japan tsunami.
"Exploring the universe through meditation is like studying human relationships through masturbation."
"Philosophy is questions that may never be answered. Religion is answers that may never be questioned." — Anemones.
"I count religion but a childish toy, And hold there is no sin but ignorance." — Christopher Marlowe.
"Without the use of a winking smiley or other blatant display of humor, it is impossible to make a parody of Fundamentalism that someone won't mistake for the real thing." — Poe's Law.
"A union of government and religion tends to destroy government and degrade religion." — Hugo Black, US Supreme Court.
"The last time we mixed religion and government people were burned at the stake." — Bumper sticker.
"Freedom is the Distance Between Church and State."
"I want freedom from religion."
"Organized religion is like organized crime; it preys on peoples' weaknesses, generates huge profits for its operators, and is almost impossible to eradicate."
"Religion is regarded by the common people as true, by the wise as false, and by rulers as useful." — Seneca the Younger (4BCE-65CE).
"Every absurdity has a champion to defend it."
"Insanity is believing your hallucinations are real. Religion is believing that other peoples' hallucinations are real."
"With or without religion, you'd have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, it takes religion." — Steven Weinberg.
"No amount of belief makes something a fact." — James Randi.
"The history of saints is mainly the history of insane people." — Benito Mussolini (1883-1944).
"A casual stroll through the lunatic asylum shows that faith does not prove anything." — Friedrich Nietzsche.
"There is not enough love and goodness in the word for us to be permitted to give any of it away to imaginary things." — Friedrich Nietzsche.
"The reason people use a crucifix against vampires is that vampires are allergic to bullshit." — Richard Pryor, 1971.
"Religion is to rationality as bullshit is to horsepower."
"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one." — George Bernard Shaw.
"Religions change; beer and wine remain." — Harvey Allen.
"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from religious conviction." — Blaise Pascal (1623-1662).
"If you ask the wrong questions you get answers like '42' or 'God'."
"There have been nearly 3000 Gods so far but only yours actually exists. The others are silly made up nonsense. But not yours. Yours is real." — Ricky Gervais.
"Children have imaginary friends; adults have gods."
"Even if a God as described in the Bible does exist, he is not fit for worship due to his low moral standards." — Tim Maroney.
"Find God ? Why, is God missing ?"
"There should be a Clause that if you find God you get to keep Him." — Philik K. Dick (1928-82), science fiction author.
"Gods are immortal but not eternal." — Ancient greek saying.
"The great god Ra, whose shrine once covered acres, is filler now for crossword puzzle makers." — Keith Preston.
"Those are the longest leaps of logic I've seen since 'I don't know where the universe came from' —> 'God must have done it'. Impressive."
"If God made man in his own image, why aren't we all, like... invisible ?" — Father Guido Sarducci.
"The first gulp from the glass of natural sciences will make you an atheist, but at the bottom of the glass God is waiting for you." — Werner Heisenberg.
"There is a rumour that I have found God. I think this is unlikely because I have enough difficulty finding my keys, and I have empirical evidence that they exist." — Terry Pratchet.
"On the sixth day God created man. On the seventh day, man returned the favor."
"What can you say about a society that says God is dead and Elvis is alive ?"
"It's hard to accept 'we don't fully know yet', but it's a much better answer than 'god'."
"Once you write down 'god' as an answer for something, you stop looking at the problem, or worse, it becomes taboo to look at the problem."
"There is only one god, and His name is Death. And there is only one thing we say to Death: 'not today'." — Syrio Forel to Arya Stark.
"God may judge you, but his sins outnumber your own." — afabbaeddel.
"If God created us in his image, then why aren't we invisible ?"
"When you fail and wonder: 'What would God do ?', don't forget that killing everybody and starting over is a valid option !"
"If God created us in his own image, we have more than reciprocated." — Voltaire (1694—1778).
"It says he made us all to be just like him. So if we're dumb, then god is dumb, and maybe even a little ugly on the side." — Frank Zappa.
"It seems to me that if there is some infinite being who wants us to think alike he would have made us alike." — Robert G. Ingersoll.
"The reason it took God only six days to create the universe is that he didn't have to deal with the embedded base." — Brian Kernighan.
"I think that God, in creating man, somewhat overestimated his ability." — Oscar Wilde.
"I see no god up here." — Yuri Gagarin, 1961.
"You don't summon gods. You contact them, and if you're lucky, they don't answer."
"All men are born with a nose and ten fingers, but no one was born with a knowledge of God." — Voltaire (1694-1778).
"Humans will even worship a rock or lump of baked clay, for something to be a 'god' only requires worshipers." — Iggymanz.
"God is a drunken college freshman from some alien race and we're his science fair project. We got third place." — Ben.
"According to the bible, God is a tantrum-throwing, vindictive, misogynistic, apparently insecure all-powerful entity." — JoNa.
"Yahweh is like the cheerleaders in high school... petty, vindictive, cliquish, and vain."
"My favorite part of the bible is when god gives everyone free will and then drowns everyone for not acting the way he wanted."
"If I believed in an all-powerful god, I'd also assume he could do his own murders." — Rick Gervais.
"Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able ?
Then he is not omnipotent.
Is he able, but not willing ?
Then he is malevolent.
Is he both able and willing ?
Then does evil come from ?
Is he neither able nor willing ?
Then why call him God ?" — Epicurus (341-270BC), Greek philosopher.
"If everything must have a cause, then God must have a cause. If there can be anything without a cause, it may just as well be the world as God, so that there cannot be any validity in that argument." — Bertrand Russell.
"Let me sum up the religious argument:
— Assumption: god exists
— Therefore: god exists
— QED !" — Scotch.
"God was invented to explain mystery. God is always invented to explain those things that you do not understand. Now, when you finally discover how something works, you get some laws which you're taking away from God; you don't need him anymore. But you need him for the other mysteries. So therefore you leave him to create the universe because we haven't figured that out yet; you need him for understanding those things which you don't believe the laws will explain, such as consciousness, or why you only live to a certain length of time — life and death — stuff like that. God is always associated with those things that you do not understand. Therefore I don't think that the laws can be considered to be like God because they have been figured out." — Richard P. Feynman (1918-88), physicist.
"Never yet has a God been defined in terms which were not palpably self-contradictory and absurd; never yet has a God been described so that a concept of Him was made possible to human thought." — Annie Besant.
"I refuse to prove that I exist" says God, "for proof denies faith, and without faith, I am nothing."
"Oh," says man, "but the Babel Fish is a dead give-away, isn't it ? It proves You exist, and so therefore You don't. Q.E.D."
"Oh, I hadn't thought of that." says God, who promptly vanishes in a puff of logic. — Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy.
"Politicians treat God the way heavy metal bands treat Satan: as some kind of marketing device."
"The existence of God is not subjective: he either exists or he doesn't. It's not a matter of opinion. You can have your own opinions but you can't have your own facts." — Rick Gervais.
"The more you believe, the less you check facts." — Oglaf.
"Everything has a natural explanation. The moon is not a god but a great rock and the sun a hot rock." — Anaxagorus (475 BC).
"I can't bring myself to believe in a God with a personality like my own. I base that on the paucity of lightning attacks on people who deserve it." — Scott Adams.
"God, for not existing." — From the 'Thank you' section of the credits for the movie Waiting.
"More importantly, the biblical flood story portrays YHWH as an evil fuck-up. Why bother with a flood when he could just wish the evildoers out of existence ? Why drown all the world's babies and kittens ? Why didn't this solution to the problem of evil actually work ???" — Black Parrot.
"It may be that our role on this planet is not to worship God but to create him." — Arthur C. Clarke.
"Religion is what we tell ourselves about God; Spirituality is what God tells us about ourselves."
"The idea of an omnipotent God who creates a creature capable of reason, then throws an eternal hissy fit when that creature doesn't spend all his time telling God how wonderful He is... Well it seems like rather insecure behavior for an all powerful, all loving being."
"Religion doesn't come from God, it comes from your parents."
"If God is, man is a slave; now, man can and must be free; then, God does not exist. I defy anyone whomsoever to avoid this circle; now, therefore, let all choose." — Mikhail Bakunin, "God and the State", 1874.
"As long as we have a master in heaven, we will be slaves on earth." — Bakunin.
"God is a placebo for your own mortality." — Robert Barron.
"God, as some cynic has said, is always on the side which has the best football coach." — Heywood Broun.
"I do understand what love is, and that is one of the reasons I can never again be a Christian. Love is not self denial. Love is not blood and suffering. Love is not murdering your son to appease your own vanity. Love is not hatred or wrath, consigning billions of people to eternal torture because they have offended your ego or disobeyed your rules. Love is not obedience, conformity, or submission. It is a counterfeit love that is contingent upon authority, punishment, or reward. True love is respect and admiration, compassion and kindness, freely given by a healthy, unafraid human being." — Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith.
"'You can't judge God by the same standards as man'. In that case, why is it that I keep getting told that God is good ? Are there two meanings of the word 'good', one of which forbids murder, deliberate starvation, infecting people with disease, and so on, and another which allows these things ? I suggest that there is already a word for the second meaning. That word is 'evil'. If you think that it's OK to worship an evil god, that's your business, but you can't expect me to do the same." — Tim Maroney.
"All Gods were immortal."
"Gods /n/ Numerous, argumentative, demanding, interventionist and irritating. Sit around on Mount Olympus causing trouble, and treat mortals as playthings. Hardly surprising they lost out to monotheism a few centuries later."
"Ray, next time someone asks you if you're a god, you say YES!" — Ghostbusters.
"In fact, when you get right down to it, almost every explanation Man came up with for *anything* until about 1926 was stupid." — Dave Barry.
"How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter ?" — Woody Allen.
"A guy says": 'I hate Jews', and I said: 'Why?' He goes: 'Because they killed my God'. They believe that. If I believed that the Jews killed my God, I'd worship the Jews, 'cause shit, there's some badasses on that team, man." — Bill Hicks.
"This then is not God, if thou has comprehended it; but if this be God, thou hast not comprehended it." — St. Augustine (how convenient).
"God is not dead. He is alive and well and working on a much less ambitious project."
"How come god never parts with the recipe for water into wine ?"
"Whatever we cannot easily understand we call God: this saves much wear and tear on the brain tissues."
"Power corrupts; Absolute power corrupts absolutely; God is all-powerful. Draw your own conclusions."
"Give me all the cynical, greedy, lying, corrupt asshole politicians you want. Just please, don't put zealots in power." — interkin3tic.
"I'm driven with a mission from God. God would tell me: 'George, go and fight those terrorists in Afghanistan'. And I did, and then God would tell me: 'George, go and end the tyranny in Iraq', and I did." — G. W. Bush in June 2003.
"God is... a sadistic, jealous, vengeful, foreskin-loving creation of borderline psychotic racist primitive man." — Craig Blanchard.
"Religion is just what we thought before we knew understood what mental illness was. 'A bush talked to me' Brilliant. What did it say ? What did the bush say ? Let's live our lives by what the bush said. You stupid fucking cunts." — Frankie Boyle.
"If this is your god, he's not very impressive. He's got psychological problems. He's so insecure, he demands worship every seven days. He creates faulty humans and then blames them for his own mistakes. He's a pretty poor excuse for a supreme being." — Mr Spock in a censored part of the original Star Trek.
"If you love god, burn a church." — Jello Biafra.
"I distrust those people who know so well what God wants them to do because I notice it always coincides with their own desires." — Susan B. Anthony.
"The greater your ignorance, the more evidence you have for the existence of God."
"Every man thinks God is on his side. The rich and powerful know he is." — Jean Anouilh (1910-87), French dramatist.
"If god doesn't like the way I live, let him tell me, not you." — As seen on a button.
"The only difference between God and Adolf Hitler is that God is more proficient at genocide."
"We question your beliefs because you are too afraid of a vengeful fictional character to do it yourself."
"See god ? That is the easiest thing in the world. He always appears to me in the bottom of the tenth glass of beer... and sometimes as a beautiful, young, female nude." — Theologian Franz Bibfeldt on the reality of visions.
"Take not God's name in vain — select a time when it will have effect." — Ambrose Bierce, "The Devil's Dictionary.
"The effects of early childhood indoctrination are amazing! Most people quickly dismiss the unsupported childish ideas like the toothfairy, santa claus, the many pagan gods but somehow the concept of an all powerful being with exceptional powers manages to slip past their nonsense radar." — Zyconian.
"If the lord had meant us to have faith, he'd have given us lobotomies." — Zlatko.
"You know you have created God in your own image, when you find that your God hates the same people that you do." — Lois Wilson.
"The gods can either take away evil from the world and will not, or, being willing to do so, cannot; or they neither can nor will, or lastly, they are both able and willing. If they have the will to remove evil and cannot, then they are not omnipotent. If they can, but will not, than they are not benevolent. If they are neither able nor willing, then they are neither omnipotent nor benevolent. Lastly, if they are both able and willing to annihilate evil, how does it exist ?" — Epicures, 300 BC.
"If there is a God, he is a malign thug." — Mark Twain.
"A zealot's stones will break my bones, but gods will never hurt me."
"God is omnipotent, omniscient, and omnibenevolent — it says so right here on the label. If you have a mind capable of believing all three of these divine attributes simultaneously, I have a wonderful bargain for you. No checks, please. Cash and in small bills." — Lazarus Long.
"Trinity — a three for one sale on deities."
"The Holy Father is neither."
"Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant." — Edward Gibbon.
"All in all, I can't say I believe in god. If, in fact, I ever find out that he does indeed exist, I think I'll stay away from him, because if he's responsible for half the things he gets credit for, he's got to be one mean son of a bitch." — Peter Gether, A Cat Abroad.
"Christianity /n/ The story of how one woman's lie to cover up an affair got way the fuck out of hand."
"CHRISTIAN /n/ One who believes that the New Testament is a divinely inspired book admirably suited to the spiritual needs of his neighbor." — From the Devil's dictionary.
"Once there was a time when all people believed in God and the church ruled. This time is called the Dark Ages."
"These are my opinions. If they were the Biblical truth, your bushes would be burning."
"Some people say the problem with Christianity is that it's not taught in schools.
I say the problem with Christianity is it's not taught in churches."
"Why does the Vatican have lightning rods—?"
"The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post 'Thou shalt not steal', 'Thou shalt not commit adultery' and 'Thou shalt not lie' in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment." — George Carlin.
"I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ." — Mahatma Gandhi.
"We should invade their countries, kill their leaders and convert them to Christianity. We weren't punctilious about locating and punishing only Hitler and his top officers. We carpet-bombed German cities; we killed civilians. That's war. And this is war." — Ann Coulter.
"Christianity is not a religion; it's an industry."
"In his press conference the other night, President Bush said freedom is a gift from the Almighty, and we have been called by God to use our military power to spread freedom throughout the world. Then he called that Sadr guy in Iraq a religious nutcase." — G.W. Bush, quoted by Jay Leno.
"What, me worry about the historical Jesus ? The gospel writers made up their story; the church fathers invented the virgin birth on the winter solstice; the pope thought up the immaculate conception; so I can imagine any damn thing I please about Jesus, or the Spook, or about the big guy himself." — Theologian Franz Bibfeldt, on how to write religious history.
"The Vatican canceled Easter. You know how much stuff has to suck for the Pope to be like: 'You know what, this year Jesus stays dead'." — 2020 epidemics.
"Answer just one question for me. Assume I am the leader on a country. I invade a neighboring country and conquer it. I order all the men killed. I order all the boys killed. I have all the women checked for virginity, those that aren't I have killed. The remaining virgin girl children I split up and let my soldiers do to them what they will, keeping a good portion of the best looking ones for my own use. The question is: Under what circumstances would it be good and moral to do the above ? And the answer is: Because God commanded it. I'm sure you are hoping for another holy war, so you can finally get laid." — Johnny Bravo.
"A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday." — Thomas Ybarra.
"If Christianity was morality, Socrates would be the Saviour." — William Blake.
"'Morals' are for people not intelligent enough to have ethics."
"Christian thinks superstition is immune from derision just because it has been around for 2000 years."
"If Jesus had been killed 20 years ago, Catholic school children would be wearing little Electric Chairs around their necks instead of crosses." — Lenny Bruce.
"Greek myths are fucking great because their gods are so human. They argue, they fuck up at things, they make fun of each other, they piss each other off, it's great, there's so much human interaction and then christianity comes in like that guy and is all like: 'oh my god is infallible and knows everything and immortal and everywhere at once and you can't see it but it's totally there and stronger than everything' shut the fuck up christianity go take a writing class." — dragondicks.
"Things get out of hand so quickly. I once heard of a girl who lied to her husband about how she got pregnant, and now there's an entire religion..."
"The Roman Catholic Church is for saints and sinners alone — for respectable people, the Anglican Church will do." — Oscar Wilde (1854-1900).
"My body is a temple... More like a catholic church: full of wine, bread and guilt."
"Catholicism is 20 pagan religions in a bureaucratic trench coat."
"The Christians have fathers who aren't fathers, mothers who aren't mothers, brothers who aren't brothers, and sisters who aren't sisters, they swear off sex, and then try to explain 'family values' to the rest of us."
"What pleasures do monks have in life ? Nun."
"I tend to think that we westerners give too much credit to Christianity for moral codes that, by all appearances, other cultures have managed to arrive at without any input from Jesus." — Copid.
"Christians, like slaves and soldiers, ask no questions." — Jerry Falwell, televangelist and professional bigot.
"The government of the United States is not, in any sense, founded on the Christian religion." — George Washington, founding father.
"I do not find in orthodox Christianity one redeeming feature." — Thomas Jefferson, founding father.
"Hindu speaking to a 'Born again' christian: 'Of course I am born again. And again and again and again'."
"I don't mind those who are born again, just as long as they don't think that they get twice as many rights."
"Why be born again, when you can just grow up ?"
"And the Lord said unto John; Come forth and receive eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster..." — Entoutcas.
"No one would remember the Good Samaritan if he'd only had good intentions; he had money as well." — Margaret Thatcher.
"Never trust a preacher who wears a five thousand dollar suit preaching in a million dollar church." — Side note on Matthew 19:23.
"Christianity is the complete negation of common sense and sound reason." — Bakunin.
"What you teach us to do is good; what you teach us to believe is silly." — Mongkut (1804-1868), king of Thailand, said to Christian missionaries.
"Christianity and Judaism aren't all that different, really. Growing up in a Christian family, the feeling of guilt for Man's sins comes from God. In a Jewish family, it comes from your parents."
"A cosmic Jewish Zombie who was his own father can make you live forever if you symbolically eat his flesh and telepathically tell him you accept him as your master, so he can remove an evil force from your soul that is present in humanity because a rib-woman was convinced by a talking snake to eat from a magical tree." — 0xdeadbeef.
"According to legend, a mob tortured a half-man, half-god, and nailed him to a wooden cross, leaving him to starve to death. But days later they found he had clawed his way out of the grave. Now those who believe lie in wait for him to rise again. to honour him they have weekly gatherings where they chant and sing, and at the end of it they eat his flesh and blood." — birthdaypigeon.
"Christians say not to practice witchcraft or astrology but celebrate the resurection of a dead guy on the sunday after the fist full moon of the equinox. And then they drink wine & bread as his blood and body and enchant over their animal sacrifices before they feast." — @camwhiteastro.
"Often it does seem a pity that Noah and his party did not miss the boat." — Mark Twain.
"I'll just be out in the shed." — Noah.
"The so-called Christian nations are the most enlightened and progressive... but in spite of their religion, not because of it. The Church has opposed every innovation and discovery from the day of Galileo down to our own time, when the use of anesthetic in childbirth was regarded as a sin because it avoided the biblical curse pronounced against Eve. And every step in astronomy and geology ever taken has been opposed by bigotry and superstition. The Greeks surpassed us in artistic culture and in architecture five hundred years before Christian religion was born." — Mark Twain, A Biography.
"When it comes to handling delicate matters affecting the survival of the planet, you want to send in the 79-year old German guy with a Marge Simpson hat, a history of talking directly to God, and seven decades of sperm backup. I don't see how that could go wrong." — Scott Adams.
"Never before have I encountered such corrupt and foul-minded perversity! Have you ever considered a career in the Church ?" — Black Adder II.
"The fruits of Christianity were religious wars, butcheries, crusades, inquisitions, extermination of the natives of America, and the introduction of African slaves in their place." — Arthur Schopenhauer (1788-1860) German philosopher.
"Ninety-nine percent of everything that goes on in most Christian churches has nothing whatsoever to do with the actual religion. Intelligent people all notice this sooner or later, and they conclude that the entire one hundred percent is bullshit, which is why atheism is connected with being intelligent in people's minds." — Neil Stephenson, Snow Crash.
"Well, you could become a Southern Baptist. I mean, instead of having to obey the Pope, you could just obey your husband." — Arianna Huffington about papal infallibility.
"The Pope has it backwards: he kisses the ground, and walks on the women !"
"When I was a kid, a priest told me about Mary, how God thought she was perfect, so he made her pregnant. I didn't want God to make me pregnant, so I tried to not be his type."
"If Mary was a virgin when she gave birth to Jesus, then why did three random dudes showed up at his birth with gifts ?"
"It is a fraud of the Christian system to call the sciences human invention; it is only the application of them that is human. Every science has for its basis a system of principles as fixed and unalterable as those by which the universe is regulated and governed. Man cannot make principles, he can only discover them." — Thomas Paine.
"Christianity is the strangest religion ever set up, for it committed a murder upon Jesus in order to redeem mankind from the sin of eating an apple." — Thomas Paine.
"The age of ignorance commenced with the Christian system." — Thomas Paine.
"Of all the tyrannies that effect mankind, tyranny in religion is the worst; every other species of tyranny is limited to the world we live in; but this attempts to stride beyond the grave, and seeks to pursue us into eternity." — Thomas Paine.
"How happy can you be when you think every action and thought is being monitored by a judgmental ghost ?" — Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith".
"...and the old priest looked at the original copy, and came out crying. When asked why, he looked at the young novice and said "the word is CELEBRATE not CELIBATE."
"Faith is a cop-out. It is intellectual bankruptcy. If the only way you can accept an assertion is by faith, then you are conceding that it can't be taken on its own merits." — Dan Barker.
"Many a sober Christian would rather admit that a wafer is God than that God is a cruel and capricious tyrant." — Edward Gibbon.
"Nine out of ten priests who have tried Camels, prefer young boys."
"We would be 1,500 years ahead if it hadn't been for the church dragging science back by its coattails and burning our best minds at the stake." — Catherine Fahringer.
"The Christians were the first to make the existence of Satan a dogma of the church. What is the use in a Pope if there is no Devil ?" — Elena Blavatsky.
"A Christian who does not try to push their views on me or on public policy is, to me, sort of like a person who is wearing a funny hat. You know the hat is stupid, and it sort of bugs you, but you try to ignore it even though it is huge and floppy and bright pink with big metallic-green feathers. If you can deal with the funny hat, many Christians are pretty OK; but sooner or later, they always have to say: 'So Scott, how come YOU aren't wearing a funny hat ?' and I have to say: 'Please fuck off'." — From Why Christians Suck.
"What have been the fruits of Christianity ? Superstition, bigotry and persecution." — James Madison, 4th president of the U.S.
"The Christian ideal has not been tried and found wanting; it has been found difficult and left untried." — G.K. Chesterton.
"In Christianity neither morality nor religion come into contact with reality at any point." — Friedrich Wilhelm Nietzsche.
"Our culture is superior. Our culture is superior because our religion is Christianity and that is the truth that makes men free." — Pat Buchanan, US Presidential candidate.
"I thank heaven for a man like Adolf Hitler, who built a front line of defense against the anti-Christ of Communism." — Frank Buchman (1878-1961), U.S. evangelist, 1936.
"Once again decent citizens will be able to enter this house of worship, kneel down in front of a nearly-naked man hanging from a wooden apparatus by a series of gruesome body piercings, and engage in their bizarre practices of ritualized blood-drinking and cannibalism without being assaulted by graphic images of attractive young women with bare breasts." — A. Whitney Brown, "The Daily Show" on Comedy Central.
"If God were a liberal, he would have given Moses the Ten Suggestions."
"It's too early for a Polish pope." — Karol Wojtyla, two days before being elected Pope John Paul II.
"The national government...will maintain and defend the foundations on which the power of our nation rests. It will offer strong protection to Christianity as the very basis of our collective morality." — Adolph Hitler, The Speeches.
"It is time the Arabs and the Jews sat down and settled this dispute in the true Christian spirit." — Senator Warren Austin.
"If going to church makes you a Christian, does going to a garage make you a car ?" — Bumper sticker.
"Christianity, as many religions, was just dreamed up by a couple people with really good imaginations, a lot of time on their hands, and even some 'herbal' help. I mean, who would dream up half of that crap without being totally baked ?" — Jillian A. Spencer.
"To assert that the earth revolves around the sun is as erroneous as to claim that Jesus was not born of a virgin." — Cardinal Bellarmine (1615, during the trial of Galileo).
"At the time of Galileo the Church remained much more reasonable than Galileo himself. The process against Galileo was reasonable and just." — Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger (now Pope), 1990.
"When socialism comes into power, the Roman Church will advocate socialism with the same vigor [with which] it is now favoring feudalism and slavery." — Ferdinand August Bebel (1840-1913).
"There is no ox so dumb as the orthodox." — George Francis Gillette.
"We have often seen reliable statistics showing that the percentage of the North American population who hold no religious beliefs ranges between 13% and 37% (in BC); the percentage of prison inmates who are atheists is about 1%." — The Canadian Atheist, 1996.
"The trouble with born-again Christians is that they are an even bigger pain the second time around." — Herb Caen.
"If you're not a born-again Christian, you're a failure as a human being." — Jerry Falwell, televangelist and professional bigot.
"I think it's a pity there isn't a hell for him [Jerry Falwell] to go to. The empty life of this ugly little charlatan proves only one thing, that you can get away with the most extraordinary offenses to morality and to truth in this country if you will just get yourself called reverend. Who would, even at your network, have invited on such a little turd to tell us that the attacks of September the 11th were the result of our sinfulness and were God's punishment if they hadn't got some kind of clerical qualification ? People like that should be out in the street, shouting and hollering with a cardboard sign and selling pencils from a cup." — Christopher Hitchens (1949-2011).
"Christians, it is needless to say, utterly detest each other. They slander each other constantly with the vilest forms of abuse and cannot come to any sort of agreement in their teaching. Each sect brands its own, fills the head of its own with deceitful nonsense, and makes perfect little pigs of those it wins over to its side." — Celsus (2nd Century AD), philosopher.
"Every sensible man, every honest man, must hold the Christian sect in horror. But what shall we substitute in its place? you say. What? A ferocious animal has sucked the blood of my relatives. I tell you to rid yourselves of this beast, and you ask me what you shall put in its place ?" — Voltaire.
"The notion that faith in Christ is to be rewarded by an eternity of bliss, while a dependence upon reason, observation, and experience merits everlasting pain, is too absurd for refutation, and can be relieved only by that unhappy mixture of insanity and ignorance called 'faith'." — Robert G. Ingersoll.
"If the Bible proves that God exists then comic books prove the existence of Superman."
"God creates humans, and claims to be good and loving, but spends most of his time making life miserable for humans." — The Bible, executive summary.
"Kill every male among the little ones, and kill every woman who has known man intimately. But spare for yourselves all virgin maidens." — Numbers 31:17-18.
"When science and the Bible differ, science has obviously misinterpreted its data." — Henry Morris, Institute for Creation Research.
"If you believe everything you read, you'd better not read." — Japanese proverb.
"Religions ? Endless arguments over trivial contradictions in books written by ignorant savages to explain thunder in the dark."
"To most christians the Bible is like a software licence. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and clic 'I agree'."
"No actual tyrant known to history has ever been guilty of one-hundredth of the crimes, massacres, and other atrocities attributed to the Deity in the Bible." — Steve Allen, on the Bible, Religion & Morality.
"Once purged of the insanity, plagiarisms, illegalities, contradictions, and the perverse, the Bible could be printed on match book covers while increasing it's usefulness."
"Buy a bible, don't read it, and you're a catholic. Buy a bible, read only what suits you, and you will be an evangelical. Buy a bible, read it fully, analyze it, reason it, and you will be an atheist."
"So far as I can remember, there is not one word in the Gospels in praise of intelligence." — Bertrand Russell.
"The Bible is not my Book and Christianity is not my religion. I could never give assent to the long complicated statements of Christian dogma." — Abraham Lincoln.
"To most christians, the bible is like a software license. Nobody actually reads it. They just scroll to the bottom and click 'I agree'."
"Hey Butthead check this book out ! There's a talking snake, a naked chick, then some guy puts a leaf on his SCHLONG!!" — Beavis and Butt-Head Do America.
"Read your bible christian. Beginning to end. Old and new testament and tell me your god isn't a murderous psychopath instituting insane and arbitrary laws and demanding adoration under threat of violence. Your god is an evil god." — Nadaka.
"I do not see how anyone could come fresh to the Bible and see any regard for human life at all in the early parts. From the extermination of every living thing outside the ark to the ethnic cleansing of the promised land, the story is one of utter disregard to human life except when it suits God's purposes..... it does not license anyone to preach on the excellence of the Ten Commandments as a sort of constitution document for modern society." — Andrew Brown, journalist.
"As he taught, Jesus said: 'Watch out for the teachers of the law. They like to walk around in flowing robes and be greeted in the marketplaces, and have the most important seats in the synagogues and the places of honor at banquets. They devour widows' houses and for a show make lengthy prayers. Such men will be punished most severely'." — Gets the prize either for 'most hypocritical quote from the Bible' or 'best self-reference'.
"The bible is composed of several books — most, if not all, should be renamed. Hypocrisy 101, Megalomania 302 and Fantasy Writing 103, to name a few."
"Whenever we read the obscene stories, the voluptuous debaucheries, the cruel and torturous executions, the unrelenting vindictiveness, with which more than half the bible is filled, it would seem more consistent that we called it the word of a demon than the Word of God. It is a history of wickedness that has served to corrupt and brutalize mankind..." — Thomas Paine.
"God loves everyone, unbelievers will burn forever in hell, stuff like that." — radtea summarizing the bible.
"It ain't those parts of the Bible that I can't understand that bother me, it is the parts that I do understand." — Mark Twain.
"I like to read the bible in public places where people are watching me read it. And I like to mumur out to myself: 'Bullshit!'" — Zach Galifianakis (1969-), american actor.
"If the Bible had said that Jonah swallowed the whale, I would believe it." — William Jennings Bryan.
"Properly read, the Bible is the most potent force for atheism ever conceived." — Isaac Asimov.
"All Bibles are man-made." — Thomas Edison.
"Revelation: a famous book in which St. John the Divine concealed all that he knew. The revealing is done by the commentators, who know nothing." — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911.
"So the jews were previously unaware that murder, theft and perjury were immoral ?!?."
"I threw out all the bath water, and there was no baby there." — Dan Barker, referring to the Bible in a debate.
"...the Bible as we have it contains elements that are scientifically incorrect or even morally repugnant. No amount of 'explaining away' can convince us that such passages are the product of Divine Wisdom." — Bernard J. Bamberger, The Story of Judaism.
"You believe in a book that has talking animals, wizards, witches, demons, sticks turning into snakes, food falling from the sky, people walking on water, and all sorts of magical, absurd and primitive stories, and you say that we are the ones that need help ?" — Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith".
"You can cite a hundred references to show that the biblical God is a bloodthirsty tyrant, but if they can dig up two or three verses that say 'God is love', they will claim that *you* are taking things out of context !" — Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith".
"If the Bible is mistaken in telling us where we came from, how can we trust it to tell us where we're going ?" — Justin Brown.
"I got kicked out of barnes and noble once for moving all the bibles into the fiction section." — FBMachine.
"The Bible has noble poetry in it... and some good morals and a wealth of obscenity, and upwards of a thousand lies." — Mark Twain.
"During many ages there were witches. The Bible said so. The Bible commanded that they should not be allowed to live. Therefore the Church, after doing its duty in but a lazy and indolent way for 800 years, gathered up its halters, thumbscrews, and firebrands, and set about its holy work in earnest. She worked hard at it night and day during nine centuries and imprisoned, tortured, hanged, and burned whole hordes and armies of witches, and washed the Christian world clean with their foul blood. Then it was discovered that there was no such thing as witches, and never had been. One does not know whether to laugh or to cry." — Mark Twain.
"The best cure for Christianity is reading the Bible." — Mark Twain.
"So we were playing a peaceful game of Trivial pursuit... and the Question is 'What are the first 3 words of the bible ?' Before I even finish the question, my friend jumps in and says: 'Once upon a time'..." — Nassty.
"The Bible has been interpreted to justify such evil practices as, for example, slavery, the slaughter of prisoners of war, the sadistic murders of women believed to be witches, capital punishment for hundreds of offenses, polygamy, and cruelty to animals. It has been used to encourage belief in the grossest superstition and to discourage the free teaching of scientific truths. We must never forget that both good and evil flow from the Bible. It is therefore not above criticism." — Steve Allen, on the Bible, Religion & Morality.
"— Quotations are taken from the Authorized Version (1611) of the Bible unless otherwise stated.
— What do you mean ? There are unauthorized versions ? And who's checking ? God ?" — Me.
"The very concept of sin comes from the bible. Christianity offers to solve a problem of its own making! Would you be thankful to a person who cut you with a knife in order to sell you a bandage ?" — Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith".
"The religion of one age is the literary entertainment of the next."
"The Bible is probably the most genocidal book ever written." — Noam Chomsky.
"Citing the Bible as evidence for anything is like saying that the sun is in fact a chariot of fire that races across the sky because we read about it in Greek mythology." — Stephen Ban.
"I'm working on a version of the bible for kids, because I don't think they're ready for all the war, rape and genocide. The problem is, if you get rid of all that, it's just a bunch of jews walking around and complaining about stuff. They already did that, it was called Seinfeld." — Clint Werth.
"For when I am weak, then am I powerful." — Bible.
"Weakness is strength." — Orwell.
"I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older — then it dawned on me... they are cramming for their finals !"
"As a man can drink water from any side of a full tank, so the skilled theologian can wrest from any scripture that which will serve his purpose." — Bhagavad Gita (circa 250BCE), The Lord's Song.
"Out of convicted rapists, 57% admitted to reading pornography. 95% admitted to reading the Bible."
"The Bible is the greatest hoax in all history. The leading characters of the Old Testament would today be in the penitentiary and those of the New would be under observation in psychopathic wards." — Charles Smith (1887-1964) U.S. attorney, author.
"If Jesus came back and saw what's going on in His name, He'd never stop throwing up." — Frederick in Hannah and Her Sisters (1986).
"Vatican reeling as DNA tests show communion wafers contain 0% Christ."
"Jesus died for somebody's sins, but not mine." — Patti Smith.
"Jesus died for our sins. Except he didn't actually stay dead. So what did he sacrifice ? His weekend ? Jesus gave up his weekend for your sins."
"The passion of the christ ? If I wanted to see a bad actor get nailed, I'd watch the Paris Hilton video." — Indago.
"Why is it, when a patient lives the family thanks Jesus, but when the patient dies, the family sues the doctors ?"
"What do you get if you cross a man with 2 planks of wood ? A fairytale that lasts for 2000 years."
"If God is against adultery, why did he have a child with a married woman ?"
"Big deal Jesus, so your dad sent you here to suffer and die; that's what all the rest of us are doing too."
"— Paul, I'm not curing you of that hangover...
— But *you* turned the water into wine !"
"Jesus once said: 'He who lives by the sword, shall die by the sword' and in all fairness he was a carpenter who died by being nailed to a piece of wood so he makes a good point."
"Unique among the nations, America recognized the source of our character as being godly and eternal, not being civic and temporal. And because we have understood that our source is eternal, America has been different. We have no king but Jesus." — John Ashcroft, speech at Bob Jones university.
"Jesus Christ: Imaginary Playmate to Millions of Adults !"
"Jesus promised to rid the world of sin. We still have sin.
Odin promised to rid the world of ice giants. Seen any ice giants lately ?"
"If what Jesus said was good, what can it matter whether he was God or not ?" — Clemens Vonnegut.
"Isn't it amazing Jesus just happens to want EXACTLY what you want ?" — Bumper sticker.
"Probably get his dumb ass nailed to a cross..." — Standard response to WWJD (What Would Jesus Do) paraphernalia.
"We are more popular than Jesus now." — John Lennon about the Beatles in 1966.
"A lot of Christians wear crosses around their necks. Do you think when Jesus comes back, he's really going to want to see a fucking cross ? Ow! Maybe that's why he hasn't shown up yet... it's like going up to Jackie Onassis wearing a sniper rifle pendant..." — Bill Hicks.
"If Jesus returns, kill him again." — undojesus.org.
"Jesus is all-accepting. I have standards."
"Jesus may love you — but will he respect you in the morning ?"
"You don't need freedom of speech if you let Jesus think for you." — An alum.
"I am taking a piece of KRAFT cheese to church with me in the hopes that I can get an extra piece of jesus and make a sandwich." — Manghuntr9.
"For the first time in history, two zombie movies are at the movie theaters at the same time: Dawn of the dead and Passion of the christ."
"The people who think a guy walked on water versus the people who think a horse can fly." — Scott Adams about the clash of Christianity and Islam.
"What good is having someone who can walk on water if you can't follow in his footsteps ?"
"Jesus. Because believing in the Easter Bunny is silly."
"Get off the cross, we need the wood." — Tori Amos.
"My bible thumping cousin once claimed that Jesus must have risen from the dead since thousands of people saw him after the resurrection. I simply pointed out that if that was the case then Elvis should be deified because thousands of people have seen him in McDonalds since 1977." — Rand Race.
"I used to get really pissed off that my life was so dictated by when this Jesus guy was born and when he was dying every year. I felt really resentful that I couldn't get on with my own life because I was so busy with his." — Tori Amos.
"Rose from the dead ? Nah, his buddies moved the body, how hard is it really, the Sopranos did it all the time."
"There's some invisible guy, up in the sky, who can kill you, because he loves you." — George Carlin.
"10. No one will kill you for not drinking Beer.
9. Beer doesn't tell you how to have sex.
8. Beer has never caused a major war.
7. They don't force Beer on minors who can't think for themselves.
6. When you have a Beer, you don't knock on people's doors trying to give it away.
5. Nobody's ever been burned at the stake, hanged, or tortured over his brand of Beer.
4. You don't have to wait 2000+ years for a second Beer.
3. There are laws saying Beer labels can't lie to you.
2. You can prove you have a Beer.
1. If you've devoted your life to Beer, there are groups to help you stop.
"A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory." — Top Ten Reasons Why Beer is Better Than Jesus.
"1. He called everyone 'brother'
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn't get a fair trial." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black.
"1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Jewish.
"1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Italian.
"1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was a Californian.
"1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures." — 3 good arguments that Jesus was Irish.
"1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do." — 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman.
"I'd be the worst Jesus ever, i'd be constantly drunk if i could turn water into wine."
"Last night I turned wine into vomit. You move, Jesus."
"Water into Wine' and 'Loaves and Fishes' were pretty good, but 'Oregano into Primo Mexican Weed' was truly impressive." — Top miracle not mentioned in the Bible.
"I was pretty impressed that Jesus fed the masses from only five loaves and two fishes until I went to Communion and saw what He considers a serving size." — Marsha Clodfelter.
"Based on the number of 'tards who 'find' him, I suspect Jesus really sucks at hide'n'seek." — Marc Wolfe.
"Jesus may love you but he won't respect you in the morning."
"Crucifixes are sexy because there's a naked man on them." — Madonna.
"Christ died for our sins. Dare we make his martyrdom meaningless by not committing them ?" — Jules Feiffer.
"Jesus never heard of Beethoven and Bach. Why aren't we playing more country music in church ?" — Tex Sample, St. Paul School of Theology (Kansas City).
In big print: "Jesus Loves You"
In fine print: "Everybody else thinks you're an asshole" — Bumper sticker.
"I don't care WHO you are, you're not walking on the water while I'm fishing."
"Actually Jesus was gay and saw some cute guys and was like 'nail me ;)' but the Romans misinterpreted his flirtatious nature..."
For a good (and also a quite insightful) laugh, read Socrates meets Jesus, written in the style and logic of both those famous guys.
"Pray /v/: to ask that the laws of the universe be annulled in behalf of a single petitioner confessedly unworthy."
"Prayer /n/: how to do nothing and still claim you're helping."
"Every prayer reduces itself to this: 'Great God, grant that twice two be not four'." — Ivan Turgenev (1818-1883).
"Prayer won't cure AIDS. Research will." — Public service advertisement of the American Foundation for AIDS Research, dropped because of complaints by religionists, from Freethought Today (1997).
"Pray to God, but keep rowing to shore." — Russian Proverb.
"As long as there are tests there will be prayer in public schools."
"You don't pray in my school, and I won't think in your church."
"Two hands working do more than a thousand clasped in prayer."
"The hands that help are far better than the lips that pray." — Robert G. Ingersoll (1833-1899).
"Why are we asked to pray after a disaster ? Hasn't god just made it perfectly clear that he doesn't give a fuck ?." — Frankie Boyle.
"The most ridiculous concept ever perpetrated by H. Sapiens is that the Lord God of Creation, Shaper and Ruler of the Universes, wants the saccharine adoration of his creations, that he can be persuaded by their prayers, and becomes petulant if he does not receive this flattery. Yet this ridiculous notion, without one real shred of evidence to bolster it, has gone on to found one of the oldest, largest and least productive industries in history." — Robert A. Heinlein about prayer.
"To think that the ruler of the universe will run to my assistance and bend the laws of nature for me is the height of arrogance." — Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith.
"Ashcroft went on to say that our way of life is being threatened by a group of radical religious fanatics who are armed and dangerous. And then he called for prayers in the schools and an end to gun control." — Jay Leno.
"When I was young I used to pray for a bike. Then I realized that God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and prayed for forgiveness." — Emo Philips.
"The world presents enough problems if you believe it to be a world of law and order; do not add to them by believing it to be a world of miracles." — U.S. Supreme Court Justice Louis D. Brandeis.
"If you talk to God, you are praying; if God talks to you, you have schizophrenia." — Thomas Szasy.
"Give a man a fish, and you'll feed him for a day; Give him a religion, and he'll starve to death while praying for a fish."
"A friend told me she was praying for starving children in Africa. I told her god must have listened because there are millions of them."
"Another philosopher suggests that saying prayers is equivalent to believing that the universe is governed by a Being who changes his mind if you ask him to." — Steve Allen.
"And they said: 'Anthony, the problem is when you make a joke on Twitter the day of a tragedy, it seems like you're making fun of the victims, and that's wrong'. But that's not what I'm doing. Because, you see, the day of a tragedy, victims are not on Twitter. The day of a tragedy victims have victim shit to do. No one is ever putting on a tourniquet, asking 'Hey, are we trending?' This is who I'm making fun of the people who see something horrible happen in the world and they run to their social media, Facebook, Twitter, whatever they got. And they write down the exact same thing: 'My thoughts and prayers...', 'My thoughts and prayers with the people in Aurora', 'My thoughts and prayers with the families in Boston'. Do you know what that's worth? Fucking nothing. You are not giving any of your time, your money or even your compassion. All you are doing is saying 'Don't forget about me today', 'Lots of crazy distractions in the news, but don't forget how sad I am'. Those people are worthless and they deserve to be made fun of. They're like a wedding photographer who only takes selfies." — Anthony Jeselnik.
"Two hands working do more than a thousand clasped in prayer."
"Miracles happen to those who believe in them. Otherwise why does not the Virgin Mary appear to Lamaists, Mohammedans, or Hindus who have never heard of her." — Bernard Berenson (1865-1959).
"There are none more ignorant and useless, than they that seek answers on their knees, with their eyes closed."
"He prayed on Fridays with the Muslims, on Saturdays with the Jews and on Sundays with the Christians. 'Since each religion claims that it is the only true one and that the others are invalid', the king explained, 'I have decided to hedge my bets'." — Ibn Rustah (10th century) about a king of the Caucasus.
"When did I realize I was God ? Well, I was praying and I suddenly realized I was talking to myself."
"Right. Because out of the thousands of gods we've invented, you're praying to the right one."
"He is YOUR god
They are YOUR rules
YOU burn in hell."
"The only reason people believe in an afterlife is because they are too narcissistic to imagine a world without them."
"The myth of hell represents all the meanness, all the revenge, all the selfishness, all the cruelty, all the hatred, all the infamy of which the heart of man is capable." — Robert Ingersoll.
"I read about an Eskimo hunter who asked the local missionary priest: 'If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell ?' 'No', said the priest, 'not if you did not know'. 'Then why', asked the Eskimo earnestly, 'did you tell me?'." — Annie Dillard, Pilgrim at Tinker Creek, 1974.
"As the caterpillar chooses the fairest leaves to lay her eggs on, so the priest lays his curse on the fairest joys." — William Blake, from Proverbs of Hell.
"Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you're going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love." — Butch Hancock.
"God says do what you wish, but make the wrong choice and you will be tortured for eternity in hell. That sir, is not free will. It would be akin to a man telling his girlfriend, do what you wish, but if you choose to leave me, I will track you down and blow your brains out. When a man says this we call him a psychopath and cry out for his imprisonment/execution. When god says the same we call him 'loving' and build churches in his honor. " — William C. Easttom IIt.
"There is no difference between someone who eats too little and sees Heaven and someone who drinks too much and sees snakes." — Bertrand Russell.
"Hell can't possibly suck worse than a life without sin."
"Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company." — Mark Twain.
"Imagine there's no heaven... it's easy if you try." — John Lennon, Imagine.
"I'd rather die than go to Heaven !" — William Murderface.
"I remember watching Mel Gibson on some show once, and he was being asked about his belief in the afterlife. Gibson said: 'Well, I can't believe this is all there is'. And I thought: 'Wait a minute. You're Mel Gibson. You have millions of dollars. You're a great-looking chap with every conceivable blessing that could be bestowed upon a man. And that's not good enough ?'" — Hugh Laurie.
"Been through hell ? What did you bring back for me ?"
"Belief in heaven is very difficult without a greedy desire for it: All scams need a hook."
"Christians believe that the most wonderful thing that can happen to them is to go to Heaven, but few of them are in a hurry to make the trip."
"To judge from the notions expounded by theologians, one must conclude that God created most men simply with a view to crowding hell." — Marquis de Sade.
"A humanist or an atheist can't tell you to go to hell but a christian can and will."
"My young son asked me what happens after we die. I told him we get buried under a bunch of dirt and worms eat our bodies. I guess I should have told him the truth that most of us go to Hell and burn eternally but I didn't want to upset him." — Jack Handey, Deep Thoughts.
"To hear many religious people talk, one would think God created the torso, head, legs and arms, but the devil slapped on the genitals." — Don Schrader.
"Heaven: A place where the wicked cease from troubling you with talk of their personal affairs, and the good listen with attention while you expound on yours." — Ambrose Bierce (1842-1914).
"The secret source of humor itself is not joy but sorrow. There is no humor in heaven." — Mark Twain.
"I have never seen the slightest scientific proof of the religious theories of heaven and hell, of future life for individuals, or of a personal god." — Thomas Edison.
Heaven is where :
the police are British,
the cooks are French,
the mechanics are German,
the lovers are Italian,
and all is organized by the Swiss.
Hell is where :
the police are German,
the cooks are British,
the mechanics are French,
the lovers are Swiss,
and all is organized by the Italians !
"The Pope says he doesn't believe in evolution. I agree, in fact the Church has never evolved." — Andrea Rivera.
"Creationism is not a scientific alternative to natural selection any more than the stork theory is an alternative to sexual reproduction." — Hayes, 1996.
"Heaven and earth were created all together in the same instant, on October 23rd, 4004 B.C. at nine o'clock in the morning." — Dr. John Lightfoot (1602-1675), Vice-chancellor of Cambridge University.
"I have encountered a few 'creationists' and because they were usually nice, intelligent people, I have been unable to decide whether they were really mad or only pretending to be mad. If I was a religious person, I would consider creationism nothing less than blasphemy. Do its adherents imagine that God is a cosmic hoaxer who has created the whole vast fossil record for the sole purpose of misleading humankind ?" — Arthur C. Clarke.
"Geology shows that fossils are of different ages. Paleontology shows a fossil sequence, the list of species represented changes through time. Taxonomy shows biological relationships among species. Evolution is the explanation that threads it all together. Creationism is the practice of squeezing one's eyes shut and wailing: 'does not!'" — Dr. Pepper.
"Ocean: A body of water occupying 2/3 of a world made for man — who has no gills." — Ambrose Bierce, The Devil's Dictionary, 1911.
"Evolution is both fact and theory. Creationism is neither."
"The idea that you evolved from apes is disgusting. Isn't it nicer to believe you all descended from one couple and their incestuous children ?"
"I am a creationist. I believe man created god." — Bumper sticker.
"Creationism: that's lying for Jesus, and I have to imagine a God who had made a specific commandment against lying would not make an exception just for the Creation institute." — Ol Olsoc.
"Mr. Candidate, sir, given the overwhelming body of evidence from hundreds of different scientific fields ranging from archeology to physics to zoology, can you explain to us how you can seriously believe that the world was created 2000 years after the Babylonians invented beer ?" — Question suggested by Bombula for creationist candidates.
"If those folks in Kansas are right about evolution never having happened, I sure hope it happens soon." — Michael Sheinbaum.
"The creationists have this creator who is evil, who is small-minded, who is malevolent, and who is not very bright and can't even get his science right. Creationists have made their creator in their own image, in my view." — Ian Plimer, The Skeptic.
"By one count there are some 700 scientists with respectable academic credentials (out of a total of 480,000 U.S. earth and life scientists) who give credence to creation-science, the general theory that complex life forms did not evolve but appeared abruptly." — Newsweek, 1987.
"The Religious Right aren't, and Scientific Creationism isn't."
"Creationists make it sound as though a 'theory' is something you dreamt up after being drunk all night." — Isaac Asimov.
"Why does the media insist on calling intelligent design an 'alternative' to the theory of evolution ? That's like saying pancakes are a good alternative to an internal combustion engine."
"Evolution is a 'theory', just like gravity. If you don't like it, go jump off a bridge."
"There is no theory of evolution. Evolution is a fact. The theory is of how it happened."
"All the ills from which America suffers can be traced to the teaching of evolution." — William Jennings Bryan.
"It is a lot better to come from an evolved monkey than from a fallen angel." — Marcellin Boule.
"What is notable about creation 'scientists' is that they never seem to accomplish anything of note in biology. Hardly any of them have publications in major scientific peer-reviewed journals. None have won any of the major scientific awards. While scientists who use evolution as a research tool are making discoveries not merely in evolution, but in fields as far afield as biochemistry, genetics, pharmacology, and molecular biology, creation 'scientists' don't seem to do anything but creation 'science'. The ultimate test of a theory is how useful it is in providing a basis for discovery. Many scientists don't even care about evolutionary issues per se, any more than they care about number theory. They use evolutionary theory for the same reason that they use mathematics — because their experience has shown them that it is an indispensable tool in their own area of study." — tgibbs.
"'Creation science' has not entered the curriculum for a reason so simple and so basic that we often forget to mention it: because it is false, and because good teachers understand exactly why it is false. What could be more destructive of that most fragile yet most precious commodity in our entire intellectual heritage — good teaching — than a bill forcing honorable teachers to sully their sacred trust by granting equal treatment to a doctrine not only known to be false, but calculated to undermine any general understanding of science as an enterprise ?" — Stephen Jay Gould, The Skeptical Inquirer.
"Several thousand years ago, a small tribe of ignorant near-savages wrote various collections of myths, wild tales, lies, and gibberish. Over the centuries, these stories were embroidered, garbled, mutilated, and torn into small pieces that were then repeatedly shuffled. Finally, this material was badly translated into several languages successively. The resultant text, creationists feel, is the best guide to this complex and technical subject."
"Nothing in biology makes sense except in the light of evolution." — Theodosius Dobzhansky (1973).
"Keep your stickers out of my science book; I don't paste crap in your bible."
"If the guy's religion is dependent on evolution being false, then it is a stupid religion and should be made fun of until he shuts up in public about his delusions or gets a religion that isn't so easily proven false." — Darby.
"A mystic is someone who wants to understand the universe, but is too lazy to study physics."
"If you need something to worship, then worship life all life, every last crawling bit of it ! We're all in this beauty together !" — Paul Muad'Dib Atreides.
"Since the Bible and the church are obviously mistaken in telling us where we came from, how can we trust them to tell us where we are going ?"
"The proper place for the study of religious beliefs is in a church or temple, at home, or in a course on comparative religions, but not in a biology class. There is no place in our world for an ideology that seeks to close minds, force obedience, and return the world to a paradise that never was. Students should learn that the universe can be confronted and understood, that ideas and authority should be questioned, that an open mind is a good thing. Education does not exist to confirm people's superstitions, and children do not learn to think when they are fed only dogma." — Tim Berra, Evolution and the Myth of Creationism.
"To say it for all my colleagues and for the umpteenth million time (from college bull sessions to learned treatises): science simply cannot (by its legitimate methods) adjudicate the issue of God's possible superintendence of nature. We neither affirm nor deny it; we simply can't comment on it as scientists. If some of our crowd have made untoward statements claiming that Darwinism disproves God, then I will find Mrs. McInerney and have their knuckles rapped for it (as long as she can equally treat those members of our crowd who have argued that Darwinism must be God's method of action). Science can work only with naturalistic explanations; it can neither affirm nor deny other types of actors (like God) in other spheres (the moral realm, for example). Forget philosophy for a moment; the simple empirics of the past hundred years should suffice. Darwin himself was agnostic (having lost his religious beliefs upon the tragic death of his favorite daughter), but the great American botanist Asa Gray, who favored natural selection and wrote a book entitled Darwiniana, was a devout Christian. Move forward 50 years: Charles D. Walcott, discoverer of the Burgess Shale fossils, was a convinced Darwinian and an equally firm Christian, who believed that God had ordained natural selection to construct a history of life according to His plans and purposes. Move on another 50 years to the two greatest evolutionists of our generation: G. G. Simpson was a humanist agnostic. Theodosius Dobzhansky a believing Russian Orthodox. Either half my colleagues are enormously stupid, or else the science of Darwinism is fully compatible with conventional religious beliefs--and equally compatible with atheism, thus proving that the two great realms of nature's factuality and the source of human morality do not strongly overlap." — Stephen Jay Gould.
"The church says that the Earth is flat, but I have seen the shadow on the moon and I have more faith in the shadow than in the church." — Attributed to Ferdinand Magellan, but probably written by Robert Ingersoll.
"And on the 9th day, God sent the creationists a message by putting the human heart on the Left."
"I would challenge anyone here to think of a question upon which we once had a scientific answer, however inadequate, but for which now the best answer is a religions one." — Sam Harris.
"Suppose that every memory, written word and piece of technology on earth was destroyed all at once, leaving humanity to start completely from scratch. Everything we have come to know about science would eventually be discovered again. Given a few thousand years, people would figure out chemistry, and rediscover all of the same elements we know about now. People would once again understand biology, including its evolutionary origins. People would eventually see the motions of other galaxies in the sky, and work out the details of the big bang.
This is the glorious part about science, it can and would all be replicated.
I can assure you, however, that your story about a talking snake would be gone forever."
"I wished more people cared about Earth as much as they care about who they believe created it."
"Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense." — Buddha.
"If atheism is a religion, then not collecting stamps is a hobby."
"There is no evidence for or against X, therefore there should be no belief or disbelief in X. Now fill in the X with either the Flying Spaghetti Monster or God..."
"Atheism: the arrogant belief that the entire billion-galaxy universe was not created for us."
"A society without religion is like a crazed psychopath without a loaded .45."
"I have no problems insulting your faith because faith is quite simply dumb."
"Annoy God. Think for yourself !"
"Religion is to brain what tapeworm is to intestine."
"A man without religion is like a fish without a bicycle."
"Religion is a magic device for turning unanswerable questions into unquestionable answers." — Art Gecko.
"It's odd that the word 'atheist' even exist. I don't play golf, is there a word for non-golf players ?" — Neil DeGrasse Tyson.
"That which can be asserted without evidence can be dismissed without evidence." — Christopher Hitchens (1949-2011).
"You can't convince a believer of anything; for their belief is not based on evidence, it's based on a deep seated need to believe." — Carl Sagan.
"Superstition itself is just fear's way of explaining the unknown."
"'Take offense at the drop of a hat' is the unwritten eleventh commandment." — Richard Dawkins.
"If I had undeniable proof of the existence of Yahweh, aka Jehovah, aka Adonai, aka El Shaddai, aka Yahweh Elohim, the father of Jesus and the ancient leader of the Semitic peoples, I still would not worship the bastard." — Tim Maroney.
"Let the gods avenge themselves." — Roman law maxim on blasphemy.
"You keep accusing me of blasphemy all of the time, but I cannot be convicted of a victimless crime." — Dan Barker.
"Blasphemy is what an old dogma screams at a new truth." — Robert G. Ingersoll.
"Talk not to me of blasphemy, man; I'd strike the sun if it insulted me." — Ahab, in Moby-Dick (1851) by Herman Melville.
"To make sure that my blasphemy is thoroughly expressed, I hereby state my opinion that the notion of a god is a basic superstition, that there is no evidence for the existence of any god(s), that devils, demons, angels and saints are myths, that there is no life after death, heaven nor hell, that the Pope is a dangerous, bigoted, medieval dinosaur, and that the Holy Ghost is a comic-book character worthy of laughter and derision. I accuse the Christian god of murder by allowing the Holocaust to take place — not to mention the 'ethnic cleansing' presently being performed by Christians in our world — and I condemn and vilify this mythical deity for encouraging racial prejudice and commanding the degradation of women." — James Randi.
"Heresy is only another word for freedom of thought." — Graham Greene.
"If he is a god, let him contend for himself, because his altar has been broken down." — Judges 6-31.
"Truth does not demand belief. Scientists do not join hands every Sunday, singing, 'yes, gravity is real! I will have faith! I will be strong! I believe in my heart that what goes up, up, up must come down, down. down. Amen!' If they did, we would think they were pretty insecure about it." — Dan Barker (ex-preacher).
"We should respect others' RIGHT TO HAVE their beliefs, not their actual beliefs."
"Have you forgotten about Jesus ?
Isn't it about time you did ?"
"If people were allowed to ask questions in church instead of just being preached to, there would probably be a lot more atheists."
"Yes, there is freedom of religion. But we are also free to point out that they are bat-shit crazy."
"The only thing wrong with being an atheist is that there's nobody to talk to during an orgasm." — Anonymous.
"The invisible and the non-existent look very much alike." — Delos B. McKown.
"I cannot be angry at God, in whom I do not believe." — Simone de Beauvoir.
"The fact that a believer is happier than a skeptic is no more to the point than the fact that a drunken man is happier than a sober one. The happiness of credulity is a cheap and dangerous quality." — George Bernard Shaw.
"The old faiths light their candles all about, but burly Truth comes by and puts them out." — Lizette Reese.
"If atheism is a religion, then: Silence is a language. Dead is a state of mind. Hunger is a gourmet meal. Health is a disease. Bald is a hair colour."
"I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up they have no holidays." — Henny Youngman.
"The word heretic ought to be a term of honour..." — Charles Bradlaugh.
"The atheist does not say 'there is no God', but he says 'I know not what you mean by God; I am without idea of God; the word 'God' is to me a sound conveying no clear or distinct affirmation'. ... The Bible God I deny; the Christian God I disbelieve in; but I am not rash enough to say there is no God as long as you tell me you are unprepared to define God to me." — Charles Bradlaugh, "A Plea for Atheism", 1864.
"The world holds two classes of men — intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence." — Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri (973-1057), syrian poet.
"Atheists aren't those who don't believe in God, but those who are annoyed that other people do."
"I am an atheist because there is no evidence for the existence of God. That should be all that needs to be said about it: no evidence, no belief." — Dan Barker, "Losing Faith in Faith: From Preacher to Atheist".
"If I understand Dirac correctly, his meaning is this: there is no God, and Dirac is his Prophet." — Wolfgang Pauli.
"If there were a god, there would be no need for religion. If there were not a god, there would be no need for religion." — Ron Barrier.
"Atheism — Your Gain, No Pain!" — Ron Barrier.
"It is wrong, always, everywhere, and for anyone, to believe anything upon insufficient evidence." — William Kingdon Clifford, The Ethics of Belief (1877).
"Losing your faith is a lot like losing your virginity: you don't realize how irritating it was 'til it's gone."
"Religion has ever been anti-human, anti-woman, anti-life, anti-peace, anti-reason and anti-science. The god idea has been detrimental not only to humankind but to the earth. It is time now for reason, education and science to take over." — Madalyn Murray O'Hair.
"Not only is there nothing to be gained by believing an untruth, but there is everything to lose when we sacrifice the indispensable tool of reason on the altar of superstition." — Freedom From Religion Foundation.
"The sense of spiritual relief which comes from rejecting the idea of God as a supernatural being is enormous." — Sir Julian Huxley, Religion Without Revelation.
"There may or may not be atheists in foxholes, but I'm certain there are none in the Ku Klux Klan." — George Carlin.
"Maybe there are only atheists in foxholes. If the faithful truly and fully believe in a protective deity, why would they dive into a foxhole to protect themselves from the bullets whizzing by ? A part of their brain knows damn well that if they do not protect themselves, the bullets will hardly discriminate between those who claim faith and those who reject it." — J. Anderson Thomson, Why we believe in god(s).
"'There are no atheists in foxholes' isn't an argument against atheism, it's an argument against foxholes." — James Morrow.
"You'll never find a dead Christian in a foxhole who didn't pray."
"None of the people who claim to have found God have given us any reason to accept that they have, indeed, found anything but their own delusions." — Kelsey Bjarnason.
"I am an agnostic; I do not pretend to know what many ignorant men are sure of." — Clarence Darrow.
"Atheism is not a religion, it is the absence of religion. Agnosticism is the absence of decisiveness."
"Theists think all gods but theirs are false. Atheists simply don't make an exception for the last one."
"I do not believe in the god of theology who rewards good and punishes evil." — Albert Einstein, 1955.
"I have repeatedly said that in my opinion the idea of a personal god is a childlike one. You may call me an agnostic, but I do not share the crusading spirit of the professional atheist whose fervor is mostly due to a painful act of liberation from the fetters of religious indoctrination received in youth. I prefer an attitude of humility corresponding to the weakness of our intellectual understanding of nature and of our own being." — Albert Einstein, 1949.
"It was, of course, a lie what you read about my religious convictions, a lie which is being systematically repeated. I do not believe in a personal god and I have never denied this but have expressed it clearly. If something is in me which can be called religious then it is the unbounded admiration for the structure of the world so far as our science can reveal it." — Albert Einstein.
"The idea of a personal god is an anthropological concept which I am unable to take seriously." — Albert Einstein, 1946.
"My deep religiosity [...] found an abrupt ending at the age of twelve, through the reading of popular scientific books." — Albert Einstein responding.
"I received your letter of June 10th. I have never talked to a jesuit priest in my life and I am astonished by the audacity to tell such lies about me. From the viewpoint of a jesuit priest I am, of course, and have always been an atheist." — Albert Einstein responding to a rumor that a jesuit priest had caused Einstein to convert from atheism, 1945.
"Ce n'est pas parce que Dieu n'existe pas que ça lui donne le droit de se prendre pour lui."
"God is just a statistics." — Marilyn Manson.
"We should invade the USA, kill Ann Coulter and convert them all to atheism." — Tet 2721.
"One of the truly bad effects of religion is that it teaches us that it is a virtue to be satisfied with not understanding." — Richard Dawkins.
"I once asked a distinguished astronomer, a fellow of my college, to explain the big bang theory to me. He did so to the best of his (and my) ability, and I then asked what it was about the fundamental laws of physics that made the spontaneous origin of space and time possible. 'Ah,' he smiled, 'now we move beyond the realm of science. This is where I have to hand you over to our good friend, the chaplain'. But why the chaplain ? Why not the gardener or the chef ? Of course chaplains, unlike chefs and gardeners, claim to have some insight into ultimate questions. But what reason have we ever been given for taking their claims seriously ?" — Richard Dawkins.
"The less you think, the more you believe." — Richard Dawkins.
"An atheist is someone who chooses to be moral, rather than simply giving in to fear of divine wrath."
"If we assume that there is no God, it follows that morality is even more important than if there is a Deity. If God exists, his unlimited power can certainly redress imbalances in the scale of human justice. But if there is no God, then it is up to man to be as moral as he can." — Steve Allen, on the Bible, Religion & Morality.
"You'd think if God desired a direct relationship or some worship he'd make more regular appearances."
"Gods are fragile things; they may be killed by a whiff of science or a dose of common sense." — Chapman Cohen.
"I don't believe in God because I don't believe in Mother Goose." — Clarence Darrow.
"The world holds two classes of men — intelligent men without religion, and religious men without intelligence." — Abu'l-Ala-Al-Ma'arri (973-1057).
"Sure, I love fairy tales." — Tool vocalist Maynard James Keenan when asked about whether or not he reads the bible.
"I am an atheist, out and out. It took me a long time to say it. I've been an atheist for years and years, but somehow I felt it was intellectually unrespectable to say that one is an atheist, because it assumed knowledge that one didn't have. Somehow it was better to say one was a humanist or agnostic. I don't have the evidence to prove that God doesn't exist, but I so strongly suspect that he doesn't that I don't want to waste my time." — Isaac Asimov.
"I once believed in god. I got better."
"God bless those pagans." — Homer Simpson.
"God used to be the best explanation we'd got, and we've now got vastly better ones. God is no longer an explanation of anything, but has instead become something that would itself need an insurmountable amount of explaining." — Douglas Adams.
"I'd take the awe of understanding over the awe of ignorance any day." — Douglas Adams.
"Isn't it enough to see that a garden is beautiful without having to believe that there are fairies at the bottom of it too ?" — Douglas Adams.
"Just in terms of allocation of time resources, religion is not very efficient. There's a lot more I could be doing on a Sunday morning." — Bill Gates.
"It's funny — people think analysis or psychiatry is mad, and THEY go to CHURCH..." — John Malkovich.
"One man's religion is another man's belly laugh." — Robert Heinlein, Notebooks of Lazarus Long.
"Acceptance without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western religion, Rejection without proof is the fundamental characteristic of Western science." — Gary Zukav, The Dancing Wu Li Masters.
"Believe those who are seeking the truth. Doubt those who find it." — Andre Gide.
"In my life, I have prayed but one prayer: 'Oh Lord, make my enemies ridiculous'. And God granted it." — Voltaire.
"There's a Bible on that shelf there. But I keep it next to Voltaire — poison and antidote." — Bertrand Russell (1872—1970) British philosopher.
"Common sense is not so common." — Voltaire (1694—1778).
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." — W.C. Fields.
"And of all plagues with which mankind are curst, Ecclesiastic tyranny's the worst." — Daniel Defoe (1660—1731), British journalist and writer.
"This would be the best of all possible worlds if there were no religion in it." — John Adams, 2nd president of the U.S.
"Just because a thousand people share the same bias does not mean their bias defines neutrality, any more than a thousand churches prove the existence of god."
"Wasn't the bible written by the same people who said the Earth was flat ?"
"When did ignorance become a point of view ?" — Scott Adams.
"Faith can move mountains; true: mountains of stupidity." — André Gide, French writer (Nobel prize 1947).
"Although it is said that faith can move mountains, experience has shown that dynamite works better."
"Announcing 'I'm offended' is basically telling the world you can't control your own emotions, so everyone else should do it for you."
"Censorship is telling a man he can't have a steak because a baby can't chew it." — Heinlein.
"Offending people is a necessary and healthy act. Every time you say something that's offensive to another person, you just caused a discussion. You just forced them to have to think." — Louis C. K..
"You find it offensive ? I find it funny. That's why I'm happier than you."
"I offended you ? What does it feel to be so weak that mere words hurt you ?"
"If I've ever offended you, just know from the bottom of my heart that I really don't give a shit."
"Just because you're offended doesn't mean you are right." — Rick Gervais.
"Everyone has the right to believe in anything they want and everyone else has the right to find it fucking ridiculous." — Rick Gervais.
"I do not believe in the creed professed by the Jewish church, by the Roman church, by the Greek church, by the Turkish church, by the Protestant church, nor by any church that I know of... Each of those churches accuse the other of unbelief; and for my own part, I disbelieve them all." — Thomas Paine, The Age of Reason.
"Religion is a bandage that man has invented to protect a soul made bloody by circumstance." — Theodore Herman Albert Dreiser (1871—1945).
"There is joy in rationality, happiness in clarity of mind. Freethought is thrilling and fulfilling — absolutely essential to mental health and happiness." — Dan Barker, Losing Faith in Faith.
"The most basic reason why God could not do it is because the concept of God requires humans to exist."
"Mankind will only really be free, once the last king was strangled with the entrails of the last priest." — Jean Meslier ( -1729), French priest, in a letter he left after his death.
"Humanity's first sin was faith; the first virtue was doubt." — Mike Huben.
"I am a humanist, which means, in part, that I have tried to behave decently without any expectation of regards or punishments after I'm dead." — Kurt Vonnegut (1922-2007).
"An atheist doesn't have to be someone who thinks he has a proof that there can't be a god. He only has to be someone who believes that the evidence on the God question is at a similar level to the evidence on the werewolf question." — John McCarthy, inventor of Lisp.
"An Atheist is a man who has no invisible means of support." — John Buchan (1875—1940).
"Thank God I'm an atheist."
"You never see headlines like: '15000 atheists in London rioted after a blank sheet of paper was found on a cartoonist's desk'."
"When I told the people of Northern Ireland that I was an atheist, a woman in the audience stood up and said, 'Yes, but is it the God of the Catholics or the God of the Protestants in whom you don't believe ?'" — Quentin Crisp.
"Atheism is a non-prophet organization." — Bumper sticker.
"Religion is the opiate of the masses." — Karl Marx
"Winners don't do drugs." — The FBI." — Koushiro.
"Oh Lord, Deliver me from thy followers." — Bumper sticker.
"Personally it's not God I dislike, it's his fan club I can't stand."
"Where there is no religion, hypocrisy becomes good taste." — George Bernard Shaw.
"MILITANT AGNOSTIC: I Don't Know And You Don't Either." — Bumper sticker.
"I don't know that atheists should be considered as citizens, nor should they be considered patriots. This is one nation under God." — President George Bush, August 27, 1988.
"Those who will not reason, are bigots, those who cannot, are fools, and those who dare not, are slaves." — Lord Byron.
"The world needs neither kings nor gods. Nor little men who claim to serve them." — Lord Byron.
"Homo sapiens, the only creature endowed with reason, is also the only creature to pin its existence on things unreasonable." — Henri Bergson (1935), Two Sources of Morality and Religion.
"To YOU I'm an atheist; to God, I'm the Loyal Opposition." — Woody Allen.
"Your Highness, I have no need of this hypothesis." — Pierre Laplace (1749—1827), to Napoleon on why his works on celestial mechanics made no mention of God.
"One should not go into churches if one wants to breathe pure air." — Friedrich Nietzsche.
"I keep getting christmas lists from dyslexic kids." — Satan.
"But here steps in Satan, the eternal rebel, the first free-thinker and emancipator of worlds. He makes man ashamed of his bestial ignorance and obedience; he emancipates him, stamps upon his brow the seal of liberty and humanity, in urging him to disobey and eat of the fruit of knowledge." — Bakunin (1814-1876), Russian anarchist, God and the State.
"Hello friends, this is Satan. I'm here to remind you that plagues, great floods and pandemics are God's department. I just do orgies and metal bands."
"When I became convinced that the Universe is natural — that all the ghosts and gods are myth, there entered into my brain, into my soul, into every drop of my blood, the sense, the feeling, the joy of freedom. The walls of my prison crumbled and fell, the dungeon was flooded with light and all the bolts, and bards, and manacles became dust. I was no longer a servant, a serf, or a slave." — Robert G. Ingersoll (1833-1899).
"I contend that we are both atheists. I just believe in one fewer god than you do. When you understand why you dismiss all the other possible gods, you will understand why I dismiss yours." — Stephen F Roberts.
"The universe may have a purpose, but nothing we know suggests that, if so, this purpose has any similarity to ours." — Bertrand Russell.
"To surrender to ignorance and call it God has always been premature, and it remains premature today." — Isaac Asimov.
"If there is a God, atheism must strike Him as less of an insult than religion." — Edmond and Jules de Goncourt.
"Cogito, ergo non credo."
As an aside, have you watched Richard Dawkins' documentary The Root Of All Evil (and part 2) or read his book The God Delusion ? There's some informative stuff in it, not that there are too many surprises, but the rabbid preacher in part 1 of the documentary made me jump in fear. As a twist of fate, read about what happened to him recently. Oh, sweet justice, it's like a Wikipedia definition of the word 'hypocrite'.
"Let him among you who is without sin shut the hell up. Self-righteous prick." — Bob Roth.
"At the time of Caliph Omar's invasion of Egypt, the Arab officer on duty in the destruction of the library of Alexandria used two stamps with which he marked the books. One said: 'Does not agree with the Koran — heretic, must be burned'. The other said: 'Agrees with the Koran — superfluous, must be burned'." — Nils Kjaer.
"Saudi Arabia — where school girls are prevented from leaving a burning building because they have no head scarves on."
"Science flies you to the moon... Religion flies you into buildings."
"There needs to be a thorough examination, by Muslims everywhere, of why it is that the faith they love breeds so many violent mutant strains." — Salman Rushdie.
"Everyone is posting about muslims being crazy. And I'm just sitting here thinking all religious people are crazy."
"Trust in Allah, but tie your camel." — Arabian Proverb.
"We knew a muslim kid in college who was notorious for being late to everything. We called him 9/11."
"Moslem: people who believe suicide is a good way to get laid." — Scott Adams.
"What's the difference between the mormons and the muslims ? The mormons want their 72 virgins now."
"And then they created scientology so the Mormons would have someone to laugh at."
"Back in 1826, a New York court convicted 21 year old Joseph Smith for being a disorderly person and con artist who tricked folks out of their money by claiming to find lost treasures with his magic seer stones...
And then, a bit later, he founded Mormonism by discovering some gold tablets that only he could read with his magic seer stones...
in his hat..."
"Now, can someone explain why naming people by the Prophet's name (regardless of whether they may grow to be good or evil people) is ok but naming a Teddy bear the same thing is blasphemy which can be punished by death ?" — Skep.
"The earth is flat, and anyone who disputes this claim is an atheist who deserves to be punished." — Muslim religious edict by Sheik Abdel-Aziz Ibn Baaz (supreme religious authority), Saudi Arabia, 1993.
"Basically, the Taliban government blew up some ancient Buddhist statues because they're Buddhist, not Muslim. I think it was some kind of faith-based federal construction program." — Fran Fruit.
"Islamic women can do kinky things with their ankles. That's why the Koran says they aren't supposed to reveal them in public."
"Some muslims just burned the Swiss flag as a Danish flag. It's the thought that counts."
"My dream is that one day all of the most insane of the violence promoting demagogues like O'Reilley, Coulter and Osama are all caught, given flamethrowers or some such and sent to an uninhabited island to practice what they preach on each other, while the rest of the world goes on about making our lives better. The last one standing gets to own the island where his followers are all sent as a punishment to listen to his or her whining 24/7 for the rest of their short lives." — IgnoramusMaximus.
"Unless you start decapitating people, no one is going to take you seriously. No one takes christians seriously now that they no longer set fire to people who disagree with them." — praksys.
"Each generation of rabbis is necessarily less perfect than the rabbis that came before, since each generation is more removed from the perfection of the Garden. Therefore, no rabbi is allowed to overturn any of his forebears' wisdom, since they are all, by definition, smarter than him." — Cory Doctorow.
"If you were taught that elves caused rain, every time it rained, you'd see the proof of elves." — Ariex.
"The radical Christian blows up others and buildings.
The radical Muslim blows himself up with others.
The radical Buddhist sets himself on fire, after he makes sure that no living things are around him to get hurt." — Wed Fan.
"ZEUS /n./ The chief of Grecian gods, adored by the Romans as Jupiter and by the modern Americans as God, Gold, Mob and Dog." — Ambrose Bierce.
"I think it's funny how christianity made a big deal about Mary being impregnated by god and everyone was like 'Oh my god the son of god! We must worship him, listen to his great wisdom'. Meanwhile, if you said Zeus knocked you up in ancient Greece they'd be like 'yeah, me too'." — Sylphoftime.
"I believe in karma... that means i can do bad things to you all day long and assume you deserve it." — Dogbert (Scott Adams).
"Q: How do you get holy water ?
A: You boil the hell out of it."
"If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons ?"
"Love your drag, honey, but did you know your purse is on fire ?" — Tallulah Bankhead, to the censer preceding the bishop up the aisle at Catholic service.
"People started seeing UFOs about the time they stopped seeing angels. Line noise." — Trespass.
"A bad man is worse when he pretends to be a saint." — Francis Bacon.
"If you don't pay your exorcist you get repossessed."
"According to epidemiologists, religious people live longer. But then again they also say that people who don't drink live longer, so I'm not sure it's such a good thing to actually live longer..."
"STEP 1: Spout retarded crap about beardy guys and overlords.
STEP 2: Live in a time when people are retarded.
STEP 3: ?????
STEP 4: PROPHET!" — Sp3cial.
"Fantastic doctrines (like Christianity or Islam or Marxism) require unanimity of belief. One dissenter casts doubt on the creed of millions. Thus the fear and hate; thus the torture chamber, the iron stake, the gallows, the labor camp, the psychiatric ward." — Edward Abbey.
"It is impossible that there should be inhabitants on the opposite side of the Earth, since no such race is recorded by Scripture among the descendants of Adam." — St. Augustine.
"Jehovah's Witnesses coupled with 'OH NO !' are universal to all languages and cultures."
Jehova witness: "But sir, don't you want eternal life ?
—Yeah, but not if it's gonna be with a bunch of Jehovah Witnesses, I mean what kind of heaven is that ?" — Classic 'how to get rid of JW' trick.
"No, no, no — you don't argue with concepts. You have to claim Dogma, and therefore leave no room for rational thought." — Kevin J. Anderson, Flashback.
"Whenever books are burned men also in the end are burned." — Heinrich Heine.
"What do we say to the God of procrastination ? Not today..."
"Salt is good, but if salt itself loses its taste, with what can its flavor be restored ?" — Luke 14:34, who wasn't paying attention in chemistry class.
"If only God would give me a clear sign ! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank." — Woody Allen.
"In the beginning, there was nothing. And God said, 'Let there be Light'.
And there was still nothing. But, you could see it."
"Even to be thought of as a god, as I certainly was, can become ultimately boring. It has occured to me more than once that holy boredom is good and sufficient reason for the invention of free will." — The God-Emperor of Dune.
"...balance the budget ? Tax religion." — Jello Biafra.
"Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil... but touch and taste it all you want."
"There's never been any forbidden fruit, it's only a question of digestion."
"So the universe is not quite as you thought it was. You'd better rearrange your beliefs, then. Because you certainly can't rearrange the universe." — Isaac Asimov & Robert Silverberg in Nightfall.
"God must love stupid people... He made so MANY of them !"
"I'm strictly against people being allowed to declare a religious affiliation they are not even capable of spelling correctly." — David Kastrup.
"Why do most forms of swearing reference either deities or genitals ?"
"A metaphysician is a blind man in a dark room looking for a black cat that isn't there, and a theologian is one who finds the cat."
"Adam blamed Eve, Eve blamed the serpent and the serpent didn't have a leg to stand on."
"Q: What would happen if the Pilgrims had killed cats instead of turkeys ?
A: We'd eat pussy every Thanksgiving !"
"Puritanism /n./: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy"
"There ain't no devil, it's just god when he's drunk." — Bumper sticker.
"There are three ways a man can be ruined: women, gambling, and farming. My father chose the most boring." — Pope John XXIII (1881—1963).
"The problem with people who have no vices is that generally you can be pretty sure they're going to have some pretty annoying virtues." — Elizabeth Taylor.
"Sorry I missed church... I was busy practicing witchcraft and becoming a lesbian." — Bumper sticker.
"Sex education classes in our public schools are promoting incest." — Jimmy Swaggart, TV preacher, self-described pornography addict who paid prostitutes to commit 'pornographic acts'; hypocrite.
"Q: How do you play religious roulette ?
A: You stand around in a circle and blaspheme and see who gets struck by lightning first."
"If God really wanted us to watch those Sunday morning religious shows, he'd make their reception better than the cartoons on the other channels." — Michael E. Nelson.
"If we have to give up either religion or education, we should give up education." — William Jennings Bryan.
"I would have made a good Pope." — Richard Nixon (1913-1994).
"Let's not be so tolerant that we tolerate intolerance."
"Les mystiques se nourrissent de sang, c'est bien connu."